In case you were busy finally finding out what this whole food truck craze is all about, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:
- Alex Rodriguez’s suspension for the use of performance enhancing drugs was reduced to 162 games by an independent arbitrator, but the Yankees slugger still plans to appeal the decision, which would have him miss the entire 2014 baseball season. “I don’t say he’s a great man,” Rodriguez said about himself, at an ill-advised press conference that he gave shirtless from the back of a mega-yacht that he co-owns with Chris Brown named Deceit. “Alex Rodriguez never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He’s not the finest character that ever lived. But he’s a human being, and a terrible thing is happening to him.” Rodriguez then fell to his knees as his personal speechwriter, Shia LaBeouf, put a hand on his back as Rodriguez wailed, “So attention must be paid. He’s not to be allowed to fall in his grave like an old dog. Attention, attention must finally be paid to Alex Rodriguez! Attention must be paid to the dead salesman Alex Rodriguez!”
- The New England Patriots will be playing in their eighth AFC Championship Game of the Bill Belichick–Tom Brady era after beating the Colts 43-22 at Gillette Stadium on Saturday. “Despite the scoreline, I’d say that was a close shave at Gillette,” Belichick said of the win, before unleashing a hideous smile. After his joyful grimace turned the entire press corps into stone, Belichick muttered to a room full of statues, “The best part is how hideous Andrew Luck’s beard is. It worked on levels,” before knocking over stone Boston Globe reporter Dan Shaughnessy, shattering him into thousands of pieces.
- Marshawn Lynch and the Seattle Seahawks secondary were too physical for the New Orleans Saints, who lost at CenturyLink Field 23-15. “OH! LOOK WHO IT IS!” said grinning Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll as he backpedaled into his postgame press conference, “PETE CARROLL, PETE CARROLL, PETE CARROLL!” When asked if he was worried about his team’s sputtering offense in advance of the NFC Championship, Carroll spun in circles with his arms out wide and yelled, “SORRY! CAN’T HEAR YOU. TOO BUSY PETE CARROLLING! THAT’S SPINNING IN CIRCLES WHILE SOMEONE ELSE GETS HIT BY SAFETY EARL THOMAS. DUCK!” When the reporter who asked the question flinched as if he were about to be hit by Earl Thomas, Carroll’s grin somehow grew wider as he yelled, “YOU JUST GOT PETE CARROLLED! PETE CARROLL!”
- A balanced Broncos attack was enough to hold off a resilient Chargers team as Denver beat San Diego 24-17. While it was a disappointing loss for San Diego, the game represents a new dawn for the Chargers franchise: Instead of underachieving and blowing a lead in the divisional round of the AFC playoffs, they are now overachieving and having a comeback fall just short in the divisional round of the AFC playoffs.
- Colin Kaepernick won another tough road playoff game, leading his 49ers to a 23-10 win over the Carolina Panthers. And then he wore a hat at an angle. Which is news. Why? Because whenever Colin Kaepernick puts anything on his head it’s news. Why? I can only assume it’s because his face is narrow and long in relation to his neck and shoulders. Why? I have no idea. Moving on …
- A little water on the court couldn’t stop the Rockets, who beat the Wizards 114-107 in Washington after a pair of brief rain delays. “However, a little water could easily could stop a rocket,” said aerospace engineer Murray Rosebaum when stopped after the game. “Were it to get into the fuel supply it could cause a fatal error. Also, I barely understand the rules of basketball. Why are you talking to me right now?” When asked what he was doing at the game, Rosebaum replied, “I received these tickets as a perk associated with a military contract that Boeing is considering. But seriously, my nephew Ira is a structural engineer and could help out the contractors with the leak problem. Is that why you’re talking to me? I’m not a structural engineer.”
- Despite falling twice and placing fourth in the U.S. Nationals, figure skater Ashley Wagner was placed on the U.S. Olympic team over Mirai Nagasu, who finished ahead of Wagner at Nationals, at the discretion of U.S. Figure Skating. While the decision is not without controversy, it has been deemed permissible according to the little-known “Cool Runnings” rule, which allows “weird bullshit like a dude bumping into another dude on the track or the total mental collapse of an athlete,” to be ignored by a country’s Olympic committee if it would prevent a talented athlete such as Wagner from ditching their promising athletic career and committing themselves to a life of [shudder] competitive bobsledding.
- The New York Knicks have won four games in a row after dispatching the Philadelphia 76ers 102-92. The game was watched by a man and his son in Queens. “This is good, right, dad?” the son asked his father. But the father sat, unmoving. The son tugged on his father’s hand as it hung limp over the side of his La-Z-Boy, and implored, “Father. This is good, yes? Tell me it’s good. Please, please tell me it’s good.” The father turned his head and looked at his boy. His lips pursed, he spat out, “I don’t know anymore. I want to protect you. But I can’t. Not from this team. Not from this life. You’re a man now, son.” The father gave the boy a Swiss army knife and added, “Happy birthday.” The son looked up and told his father, “It’s not my birthday.” The father shook his head and said, “Four-game Knicks winning streak, son. That’s rarer than a birthday, boy. That’s rarer than a birthday.”
- Jimmy Walker won his second event in two starts, taking down the Sony Open in Hawaii at 17 under par. This makes Jimmy Walker both one of the hottest golfers in the world heading into the PGA season and a constant reminder of a shamefully botched whiskey order that I made on my 21st birthday. Thanks, Jimmy Walker. I haven’t felt this much shame when thinking about a golfer since Rich Beem was on the tour.