In case you were out living a young person’s life of leisure, here are the results and transactions that took place without your approval over the weekend.
- The MLB trade deadline brought drama aplenty. Erik Bedard was sent to the Red Sox, Ubaldo Jimenez to the Indians, Michael Bourn to the Braves, Mike Adams to the Rangers, Rafael Furcal to the Cardinals, Doug Fister to the Tigers, and Ryan Ludwick to the Pirates. For the 12th straight year, however, the Cincinnati Reds were unable to trade the expiring contract of former owner Marge Schott.
- The NFL’s eventful weekend was highlighted by Plaxico Burress’ one-year deal with the New York Jets. Hey, good thing Burress shot himself in his thigh that one time instead of his foot. Otherwise Rex Ryan would have nothing to do with him, BECAUSE OF HIS FOOT FETISH, AM I RIGHT GUYS? REMEMBER THAT?
- Peyton Manning signed a five-year, $90 million deal with the Indianapolis Colts. Not to be outdone, my stepfather immediately signed a five-year deal with himself to continue referring to the Indianapolis Colts as “Baltimore.”
- The Phillies expanded their NL East lead to six games with a 6-5 win in extra innings against the Pirates. Philly reliever Antonio Bastardo pitched a scoreless 10th inning to earn his fourth win of the season. “Bastardo” is Spanish for “bastard,” making him the most accurate representative of Philadelphia professional sports since 1974, when Eagles linebacker Elijah Asshole roamed the gridiron.
- The Boston Red Sox finished July with a 20-6 record, the best in franchise history, after a 5-3 win over the faltering White Sox. Despite Chicago’s struggles on the field, white socks still dominate the actual footwear industry.
- The Milwaukee Brewers were able to avoid hara-kiri by sweeping the Houston Astros.
- In a wild game, Justin Verlander nearly threw a no-hitter as Detroit topped the Angels, 3-2. Jered Weaver was ejected in the seventh inning after throwing a pitch over Alex Avila’s head in response to home run theatrics by Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen. He left the field cursing at the Detroit bench. Verlander had an angry moment of his own when Erick Aybar attempted to end his no-hitter with an eighth-inning bunt. Verlander called the tactic “bush league,” and, according to Aybar, promised that he’d “get him” next year. The whole thing resembled a western gunfight, an impression that was only heightened by video footage of tumbleweeds rolling through the outfield.
- The Padres beat the Rockies, 8-3. Sorry, boring.
- The Athletics beat the Twins, 7-3. God, sorry, I’m losing my fastball. No no, Grantland, I don’t need a reliever! Hey, come on —
- Hey everyone, it’s Rex Ryan, here to close it out! Did you hear that Coach K is embroiled in some kind of recruiting fiasco? Duke is seeking an interpretation from the NCAA as to whether contact he made with high school senior Alex Poythress was within the proper guidelines. Those NCAA rules can be pretty arcane, but I’ll tell you what needs no interpretation: Crocs. They’re terrible! They hide the best part of the human body and make you look like you’re at some weird Swedish picnic where they only serve tiny fish. That’s a lose-lose, if you ask me, and Rex Ryan hates to lose. Speaking of which, I just signed Cromartie. Bam!
*Several minutes of heavy breathing*
Rex Ryan loves feet.
Time for my morning cheddar burger, everyone. See you in September!
Shane Ryan is a staff writer for Grantland. Follow him on Twitter at @SCurrySavesDuke.