In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Eli Manning threw for 249 yards and three touchdowns as the Giants routed the Packers 38-10 to take a two-game lead in the NFC East. The Giants defense sacked Aaron Rodgers five times, and rubbed salt in the wound as he lay crumpled on the field by repeatedly noting that he “looked smaller in person.”
- Tom Brady’s three touchdown passes helped Bill Belichick earn his 200th career win in a 49-10 Patriots shellacking of the Jets. During the game, Rex Ryan set a record of his own by falling asleep 27 times due to what doctors are describing as a “truly disgusting amount of tryptophan in the blood.”
- Colin Kaepernick continued to shine, passing for one score and running for another, while the San Francisco defense held the Saints in check for a 31-21 49ers win. “Yo man,” said Randy Moss, approaching Kaepernick quietly after the game. “Can you hook me up with some of your family bread? I need a couple loaves in a hurry, no questions asked.” Kaepernick’s rage finally boiled over. “I have nothing to do with goddamn pumpernickel bread! Or Copernicus! Or the Picasso painting Guernica!” he shouted, attacking Moss in a fury.
- No. 1 Notre Dame kept USC out of the end zone on two successive goal line stands, and secured an undefeated season and a spot in the national title game with a 22-13 road win. “MAKE THEM LET US SCORE, DADDY!” USC coach Lane Kiffin shouted to his father, defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, just before kicking a water boy in a show of pure petulance.
- No. 2 Alabama ran roughshod over Auburn, winning 49-0 to secure a spot in the SEC title game against Georgia, and prompting Auburn to fire head coach Gene Chizik. “Seriously, though, will I be reimbursed for recruiting Cam Newton?” asked Chizik on his way out the door.
- Stepfan Taylor rushed for 142 yards and two scores as no. 8 Stanford beat no. 17 UCLA 35-17 to secure home-field advantage in the Pac-12 title game against UCLA. “We’re a road squad,” said UCLA coach Jim Mora, as quiet tears streamed down his face. “No problem at all. We’re so psyched.”
- Quinn Cook scored Duke’s final eight points to lead no. 5 Duke over no. 2 Louisville 76-71 in the final of the Battle 4 Atlantis tournament in the Bahamas. “We shall now seize our prize and explore the depths of the lost underwater kingdom of Atlantis!” said Cook, wearing an old-timey atmospheric diving suit in his press conference. “The secrets that in the wreckage of Poseidon’s metropolis shall be guarded closely and kept near to our hearts for all the years of our lives!” Watching from the hallway, Coach K sighed and realized that this would be his toughest explanation yet.
- No. 18 UCLA suffered its second loss of the season, blowing an 18-point lead in a 70-68 loss to the Cal-Poly Mustangs. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “SAD NEWS AND HAPPY NEWS TODAY, GANG. CODY’S MOTHER CAME AND TOOK HIM BACK. MY FATHERHOOD EXPERIENCE IS OVER. TO BE HONEST IT WAS STARTING TO GET A LITTLE OLD. RESPONSIBILITY IS A BUMMER AND I WAS ABOUT TO SEND HIM TO ROBOT MILITARY SCHOOL JUST TO GET SOME FREE TIME BACK. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I’VE RESOLVED TO STOP BEING LONELY. AND BECAUSE I CAN’T HANDLE THE ROBOT BAR SCENE AND DON’T WANT TO DO ROBOT ONLINE DATING, I’M GOING TO DESIGN MY IDEAL FEMBOT FROM SCRATCH AND MAKE HER MY WIFE. I STILL HAVE TO GET A LOT OF THE MATERIALS, BUT I JUST RAN A SIMULATION TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FEMALE NAME IN THE WORLD FOR MY FUTURE WIFE. ARE YOU READY? I WILL WARN YOU THAT IT’S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. OK, HERE IT IS: CALLIOPE BIRDSONG. WOW, RIGHT? WOW.
- Jets superfan “Fireman Ed” Anzalone is retiring his famous character due to increasing confrontations with other Jets fans stemming from his support of Mark Sanchez. He will be replaced by “Phineas the Religious Zealot,” who wears a Tebow jersey and fires up the crowd by self-flagellating during the fourth quarter.