In case you were busy declaring that your rap career is one and done, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- Matt Harvey dominated the Rockies, throwing a four-hit shutout as the Mets took down Colorado, 5-0. Harvey entered the postgame press conference wearing a fedora, sitting with confidence at the microphone to tell the following anecdote: “In all his years on the road, Mets scout Bryan Lambe had never seen an arm like the one he was watching that night. The comparisons were obvious but insufficient: A young Justin Verlander sprang to mind, but who would believe that this boy throwing in North Carolina’s powder blue could manage the success the Tigers starter had? Sure enough, though, the thought was unshakable; this kid could be a star if he was taken care of. But that was the rub. The boy he was watching was on his 150th pitch. Was he some sort of magician with a rubber arm, or a ticking time bomb destined for the surgery table? Well, I think we have our answer. Because that young boy was Matt Harvey. And now you know, the rest of the story.”
- In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Broncos receiver Wes Welker described playing for Patriots head coach Bill Belichick as “one of those deals where you have to endure him, put up with him. … It’s the way he is.” When told of his former player’s comments, Belichick laughed menacingly and spoke in a voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. “Endure? Endure? There is no escape. There is only suffering, eternal suffering of which I am the author.”
- A Prince Fielder two-RBI double in the 14th inning was the difference as the Detroit Tigers took a key divisional game from the Cleveland Indians, 6-5. The win was the Tigers’ 11th in a row, leading Fielder to say after the game, “A few more wins and I’ll finally be King Fielder. I just can’t wait. No one saying, ‘Do this.’ No one saying, ‘Be there.’ No one saying, ‘Stop that.’ No one saying, ‘See here.’ Free to run around all day. Free to do it all my way. I just can’t wait to be king!” Unfortunately for Fielder, Red Sox starter Jake Peavy, who still sports a scar from his experimental shoulder surgery, and his lackey were watching the press conference. Peavy said in a low timbre, “Yes, but I am prepared for the death of the king,” causing John Lackey to collapse in hyena-esque hysterics.
- The Los Angeles Dodgers capitalized when Cardinals starter Shelby Miller was forced out early after being struck in the arm by a Carl Crawford line drive, beating the Cardinals, 13-4. After the game Crawford said, “I’m sorry for Shelby, but really, I feel weirdly good about the whole thing. I know it’s wrong, but when the ball hit his arm … this is going to sound crazy, but it’s like all of a sudden a hex is off of me. I went 4-for-5, my OPS is back up where I want it. I haven’t felt this good since I was in Tampa.” Meanwhile, while X-rays were negative for Miller, he was suffering from a strange reaction to the injury that was causing his head to rotate 360 degrees before projectile vomiting on anyone who came near him.
- More college football autograph-related news broke Wednesday, as the dumbest scandal in sports rockets forward, expanding outward in scope like an exploding star of idiocy becoming a red dwarf of asininity. Hopefully soon this scandal will collapse in on itself, becoming a black hole of fatuousness into which the NCAA rules for player compensation will fall and become reduced to their atomic level of lunacy before ceasing to exist altogether. Also, hopefully everyone who introduces themselves as a “pro autograph broker” will fall into this metaphorical black hole, before falling into an actual hole.
- Minnesota Timberwolves guard Shabazz Muhammad was dismissed from the NBA’s Rookie Transition Program after bringing a female guest into his hotel room. Now before you decry the strangeness of the NBA’s enforcement of a program for professional athletes, or call this scandal “the only thing dumber than a scandal based on college kids signing autographs,” consider that we have no idea who the female guest was. It may have been Nazira Maria Cross, a.k.a. The Black Widow, who poisoned her ex-husband before escaping and winding up as a fugitive wanted by the FBI. Perhaps Cross was being sheltered by Muhammad until her cover was blown, and he allowed her to escape out his window using a series of sheets tied together to make an escape rope. If that were the case, wouldn’t this seem a little less silly? Wouldn’t it? Did you think about that?