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About Last Night: When Keeping It Lockout Goes Wrong

NFL refereeIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Russell Wilson’s last-second Hail Mary pass fell into the arms of … well, it fell into the arms of M.D. Jennings, who plays for the Packers, but the replacement refs awarded Golden Tate a touchdown, upheld it on review, and the Seahawks won 14-12. Luckily, About Last Night was able to obtain a transcript of a post-game phone call between head referee Wayne Elliott and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

    Goodell: Wayne … Wayne … I mean, I don’t know what to say right now.

    Elliott: You are welcome, amigo. Say nothing. Buy me a cold brew next time we hit the town.

    Goodell: What? First of all, you’re not my friend, OK Wayne? Not in real life, not on Facebook, nowhere. And you can stop with the e-cards. I f—ing hate singing penguins. Second of all, what the hell was that call?

    Elliott: What? We were just going by the rule book, my man.

    Goodell: Where the hell does it say anything about that in the rule book?

    Elliott: The blue section, verse 19. “On the final play, when a pass is thrown, ignore the fray inside the zone. If a receiver’s hand should touch the ball, you’ll know he planned to make the haul. If the ball’s on the descent, award the catch — that’s what he meant.” Pretty cut and dry, Rog. The key word there, for me, was descent. We reviewed it, and the ball was definitely descending. Most passes are, but we wanted to make sure.

    Goodell: Blue section? What are you reading from, Wayne? Tell me where in the NFL rule book I can read that passage, because I have never in my life —

    Elliott: NFL rule book? No, no, no, Rog. It’s in the replacement rule book. Hey, did I tell you we’re doing a parody video of that “Under the Bridge” song called “Under the Hood”? It’s going to be hilarious. We just need to write the lyrics.

    Goodell: Please tell me you’re joking. Just please … let this be a joke.

    Elliott: No, man, this one’s going viral. You know Alfie, the line judge? Huge ears, blind as a bat? He’s got a camera, we’re putting it together.

    Goodell: I’M TALKING ABOUT THE GODDAMN RULE BOOK! WAYNE? WAYNE?!

    Elliott: Sorry, I was smelling the hotel soap. It’s OK. It’s not great, but it’s OK. I don’t think they make it here. It has that sort of manufactured smell. Anyway, yeah, we have a replacement rule book. Here’s the thing — the normal referees are in a labor dispute, right? They’re locked out. If we agreed to take their jobs and use the NFL rule book, we’d be despicable scabs attempting to undermine their negotiating power. Right? We can’t officiate NFL football in good conscience, and therefore we can’t use the NFL rule book. That’s out.

    Goodell: And you actually have a different rule book?

    Elliott: Oh yeah. Different rule book, different sport. And then we’re not scabs. BOOM. Everyone wins. Except the Packers! [Long laughter] But yeah, Alfie wrote the damn thing. It’s all over the place, he can’t even stay in the lines. And the rhymes are pretty iffy at points. But our book’s way easier to read, Rog. A lot of us have been held back in our careers because we aren’t strong readers, but this one is divided into colors and rhyming verse. That other one is like reading that old British guy. Son of a gun, what’s his name?

    Goodell: Shakespeare?

    Elliott: I honestly have no idea.

    Goodell: Oh my God. I don’t … oh my God. So you’re telling me you have an entirely different rule book, and it’s been deciding the outcome of games? Is this what you’re f—ing telling me??

    Elliott: I’m also a really huge Seahawks fan.

    [Two minutes of silence]

    Goodell: Hey, Wayne, let’s keep this real qui — no, you know what? Give me your address. Maybe we can be friends, Wayne. You’d like that, right? Yeah, yeah. That’s good. I’d like to fly over and … talk.

    Elliott: Right on, I’ll shoot you the addy in a text. Fair warning, I’ll probably be in the tub. Love me that tub. You know how it is. No feeling like being naked in a tub, no water, just feeling that cold linoleum on your skin. I don’t have to tell you, you’ve been in the tub zone. See you in a couple.

  • Andy Pettitte threw six scoreless innings as the Yankees beat the Twins 6-3 and extended their AL East lead to 1.5 games. Whoa, looks like I spent way too long on that NFL dialogue, and I have to write the rest of these in five minutes. So … Andy Pettite’s old. What an oldster! I bet he gets like … eight outs per game from Social Security, or something. Friggin’ Obama.
  • J.P. Arencibia hit a grand slam to lead the Blue Jays past the Orioles 9-5 in Game 2 of a doubleheader. Arencibia? Sounds like initials. RNCBA. Oh wait, that’s not a joke, just an observation. Hold on, let me get my groove back.
  • Justin Verlander bolstered his Cy Young campaign with eight strong innings in a 6-2 Tigers win over the Royals. Good thing Andy Pettitte can’t win the award, or they’d have to call it the Cy — nope, not doing it. Not going to make that joke. I’m struggling here, gang.
  • Two home runs from Adam Dunn helped the White Sox beat the Indians 5-4 and maintain a one-game lead in the AL Central. What if I just type one word in all capital letters, like an annoying drunk frat dude from Boston at 2 a.m.? DUNNNNERSSSSSS! [Laughter] (I’m also doing laughter cues now.)
  • Carlos Gomez’s error on a fly ball sparked a six-run rally for the Nationals, who went on to beat the Brewers 12-2. NOONANNNNNN! [Uproarious laughter]
  • With the Brewers loss, Lance Lynn (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 K) and the Cardinals capitalized on their chance to go up 3.5 games in the wild card with an easy 6-1 win over the Astros. And now, a joke for the kids: Remember Astro the dog from the Jetsons? That’s all. Just the reference. No punch line. (This “joke” was actually a lesson for kids that life is disappointing and adults are awful.)
  • Josh Hamilton returned to the lineup for Texas after missing five games with a cornea issue that came about due to excess caffeine, and hit a home run in a 5-4 win over Oakland. More like “caffene,” because he lost his i’s. Josh Hamlton, that is. Whatever, you’re not that cool either, reader.
  • Harvey Updyke, the Alabama fan accused of poisoning trees on Auburn’s campus, was arrested in Louisiana for “terrorizing” a manager at a home improvement store. See, what happened was, there was some promotion in the home and garden section or something, and they made an employee dress up like a tree, and then Harvey Updyke came in and terrorized him because that’s what he does — he destroys trees. What a loon! And it was a case of hilarious bad timing for everyone involved, and I’ll let you guys go ahead and frame that like a joke because this dude is jonesing for a sandwich. [crazy laughter]