In case you were out tasting wine with other beautiful people in France, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- In a surprising turn of events, the Cleveland Cavaliers selected Anthony Bennett with the first pick of the NBA draft. Victor Oladipo went second to the Magic, and Otto Porter Jr., Cody Zeller, and Alex Len rounded out the top five. Nerlens Noel, who many thought would go first, dropped all the way to sixth, and the Kentucky big man vowed to “make them pay” for the snub. He was as good as his word; just hours later, he filed a lawsuit seeking $20 million in emotional damages from all five teams.
- Sources reported that the Celtics and Nets have worked out a blockbuster deal that will send Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce to Brooklyn in exchange for future draft picks and a smattering of players that includes Gerald Wallace. “I didn’t want to be the oldest guy on the team,” explained new Nets coach Jason Kidd. “It makes me feel insecure and gross.”
- Derek Holland hurled a two-hit shutout, and the Rangers beat the Yankees, 2-0, to win the three-game series. Good news, readers: This is a “choose-your-own-reference” joke! It’s totally up to you whether the pun-based punch line involves a reference to “Mr. Holland’s Opus,” the Holland Tunnel, or famed English musician Jools Holland. Once you’ve decided, more good news: It’s also a “write-your-own-joke” joke! So take that reference, use it to construct your own joke, and then send it in to win a prize. (I’m just kidding, there’s no prize. Once you’re done writing the joke, just sit around feeling the oppressive emptiness of life.)
- According to a source, A-Rod told Yankee management in a conference call that he may not be able to return this season. When he heard the words, Yankees GM Brian Cashman furiously typed out a text and pressed send. In the bushes outside A-Rod’s home in Florida, a large man wearing a trench coat and a stony expression checked his phone and saw the words “not yet.” He calmly unscrewed the silencer on his gun and walked away. A shame, he thought. A man who spends hours hypnotically drawing pictures of himself is the easiest target of all.
- Dustin Pedroia bashed a two-run homer as the Red Sox scored seven runs in the second inning and went on to beat the Blue Jays, 7-4. In the postgame press conference, Jays manager John Gibbons wondered aloud whether it was fair for Pedroia to use “elf magic” at the plate. When asked what he meant, Gibbons screamed, “He’s got you all under enchantment!” and stormed off.
- In a Confederations Cup semifinal, Spain battled Italy to a 0-0 draw after 120 minutes, and finally prevailed 7-6 on penalty kicks. And although there were no goals in regulation, the Italians kept things interesting as several players elevated the art of diving to such an advanced level that they actually faked their own deaths and turned up in Argentina.
- A Massachusetts judge denied Aaron Hernandez bail a day after he was charged with first-degree murder. “Now that’s what I call a bad day,” said Hernandez’s attorney, former MLB star Lenny Dykstra, in what has become his catchphrase. “On a serious note, what’s ‘bail’? Explain it to me like I’m a child.” He paused for a moment, considering. “A slow child.” He paused again. “Actually, don’t bother.”
- A Red Sox fan who was stabbed by a Yankee fan at a restaurant called “U.S.S. Chowder Pot III” was awarded $4.3 million in damages, to be paid by the restaurant as a result of negligence. Here at Grantland, we want to make it abundantly clear that this unfortunate situation has nothing to do with our valued corporate sponsor, “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II.” “U.S.S. Chowder Pot III” is an entirely different food franchise with entirely different ownership, and “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II” is actually considering legal action of their own as a result of “U.S.S. Chowder Pot III”’s obvious trademark infringement. Which, we feel compelled to say, is a legitimate and justified action, unlike the current suit accusing “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II” of infringing on the trademark of the “U.S.S. Chowder Pot.” The situations could not be more dissimilar. While “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II” and “U.S.S. Chowder Pot III” are both restaurants, a fact that provides a basis for actual infringement, the “U.S.S. Chowder Pot” is a novelty toilet marketed toward a Boston consumer base. Was the name “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II” inspired by the “U.S.S. Chowder Pot”? Legally, that’s irrelevant. Just as it’s irrelevant that “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II” happens to use the “U.S.S. Chowder Pot” in its men’s bathroom facilities. (Note: None of these restaurants or products are in any way affiliated with “U.S.S. Chowder Pot IV,” a U.S. naval vessel that saw heavy action in several foreign wars and sank after a German torpedo attack in 1943.) In conclusion, Grantland is happy to continue its relationship with “U.S.S. Chowder Pot II,” notwithstanding the nasty business with the stabbing at the entirely unrelated “U.S.S. Chowder Pot III.” Thank you.
- Michigan football will begin using “dynamic ticket prices,” which means that as demand for high-profile games goes up, so, too, will the price of a ticket. “This is a big fuck you to everyone who said I wasn’t dynamic,” said Wolverines head coach Brady Hoke, just before biting into a cold, plain bagel.