In case you were busy making more than $1,244 a week from home using one simple trick, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Things are getting interesting in the Eastern Conference finals as the Indiana Pacers took Game 4 from the Miami Heat, 99-92, to even up their series at two games apiece. Roy Hibbert was immense for the Pacers, amassing 23 points and 12 rebounds while anchoring an impressive Indiana defense that held All-Star forward Chris Bosh to seven points on 1-for-6 shooting. “They seem to be playing some sort of strange formation,” Hibbert explained after the game. “They put out guys who are shorter than we are on the court, and then they try to go around us. It’s like they have no idea that height is an advantage in basketball. It makes no sense. It’s some crazy sort of tiny orb strategy, because they’re small and we play with a regulation-size basketball. I think I’m gonna dub it ‘wee sphere,’ and hope they keep doing it because man, it’s really easy for me to guard short dudes.” Hibbert then shrugged before adding, “Baby globe.”
- The Los Angeles Kings will be returning to the Western Conference finals after holding on to beat the San Jose Sharks, 2-1, in a climactic Game 7 at Staples Center. It was a Pyrrhic victory for the Kings, however, as they lost the services of superfan Samuel L. Jackson midway through giving the following motivational speech: “You think water moves fast? You should see ice. It moves like it has a mind. Like it knows it killed the world once and got a taste for murder. After the Avalanche knocked us out at this stage in ’01, it took us a decade to climb out. Now, I don’t know exactly when we turned on each other, but I know that nature is lethal but it doesn’t hold a candle to man. To Kings!” Jackson was then bitten savagely by Sharks goal scorer Dan Boyle, and decided that hockey “ain’t worth my damn time.”
- For the first time in his career, Mariano Rivera blew a save without recording an out as the Mets came from behind in the ninth inning to beat the Yankees, 2-1, in the second game of their Subway Series. Rivera said after the game, “Well that was easy. You can just end the game without getting guys out.” Rivera then shook his head and added, “Man, if I had known that years ago, maybe I would have actually enjoyed an offseason or two. Oh well, that’s time I can’t get back.”
- Novak Djokovic had a challenging first-round French Open match against David Goffin, but still managed a straight-set win at Roland Garros, 7-6 (5), 6-4, 7-5, to open his pursuit of the career Grand Slam. “So many great players have had Paris be their Waterloo,” Djokovic said after the match, before being met with catcalls and derision. “What? I meant Pete Sampras, I wasn’t referring to Napoleon’s embarrassing defeat at Waterloo at the hands of Prussian, Dutch, and British forces.” But Djokovic’s attempts to clarify only served to dig a deeper hole with the notoriously patriotic French press, many of whom were going through severe nicotine withdrawal due to Roland Garros’s newly implemented ban on smoking.
- Jonathan Papelbon got his first save at Fenway Park since leaving the Red Sox as the Philadelphia Phillies beat Boston, 3-1. “This is garbage,” said Boston superfan Aaron Sullivan after his team’s loss. “Were we rooting for that guy? Is that why people didn’t like us?” When told it was more complicated than that, Sullivan added, “Eh, fuck off, Paps is all right with me.”
- Hyun-Jin Ryu threw a two-hit shutout in his first career complete game as the Los Angeles Dodgers shut down the Angels, 3-0, at Dodger Stadium. “Man, we could really use Vernon Wells right about now,” said Angels general manager Jerry Dipoto, before hearing the voice of a demon in the periphery of his mind say, “Say Vernon Wells three times into a mirror and he shall return.” Dipoto then looked around for the source of the demonic voice for a minute before deciding he would never speak the name Vernon Wells again just to be safe.
- In an 11-inning thriller, the Pittsburgh Pirates edged the Detroit Tigers, 1-0, on Neil Walker’s home run. In a memorable affair, Jeanmar Gomez threw seven shutout innings for the 32-20 Pirates while Rick Porcello matched him, throwing eight shutout innings for the 29-21 Tigers. Though Prince Fielder started at first for the Tigers, Detroit did not have an extra-base hit in the game. The game was not umpired by Angel Hernandez, meaning it was a fairly contested clash of the titans, a true heart-stopping thrill ride from minute one for the fans. It’s the competitive games like this, which throw elite teams into direct competition, that make Major League Baseball’s interleague rivalry week a great feature of the Major League season that now includes year-round interleague play.
- In a 14-inning thriller, the Minnesota Twins pushed by the Milwaukee Brewers, 6-5, on Eduardo Escobar’s sacrifice fly. In a memorable affair, Scott Diamond started the game for the 21-28 Twins, giving up four earned runs in 4⅔ innings, while Alfredo Figaro was on the bump for the 19-31 Brewers, giving up four earned runs in five innings. Yuniesky Betancourt started at first base for the Brewers while Angel Hernandez was the crew chief for the game, meaning it was, oh boy, I’m really straining on this one, aren’t I? It’s the competitive games like this, which throw rivals into direct competition, that make Major League Baseball’s interleague rivalry week … man it’s hard to keep this up … an event to pay attention to. Now moving onto the Padres 6-1 win over the, oh no, I’m fading fast, Mariners … losing consciousness …