In case you were busy calling out traders on Twitter, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The Golden State Warriors exploded for 42 points in the fourth quarter as they overturned a 27-point deficit to beat the Toronto Raptors 112-103. Raptors head coach Dwane Casey was incensed after the game, saying, “The Warriors, they’re who we thought they were. That’s why we took the damn court.” Casey then pounded the podium and yelled, “Now if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were! And we let them off the hook.” When told of Casey’s comments, Warriors point guard Stephen Curry frowned and asked, “This doesn’t mean I’m Rex Grossman, does it? Because I really don’t want to be Rex Grossman.”
- In the marquee move of a busy day of major league hot stove action, sources are reporting that outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury will leave the world champion Boston Red Sox, having agreed to terms on a seven-year deal with the New York Yankees. When asked if he saw himself as following in the footsteps of former Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon, who also moved to the Yankees after winning a World Series title, Ellsbury’s eyes darted as he said, “What? No. Who? Who’s Johnny Damon? You’re crazy.” When asked if he was Johnny Damon posing as Jacoby Ellsbury, Ellsbury glared and said, “Why can’t you just be cool? If you were cool you wouldn’t ask these questions.” Ellsbury was then asked if he had ever existed, or if he had always been a clever ruse designed to extend Johnny Damon’s career, to which Ellsbury replied, “Seriously, why won’t you just let me have this? Please just let me have this.”
- Quinn Cook starred for the Blue Devils as Duke took care of Michigan 79-69 in the Big Ten–ACC Challenge. “Ahhh!” Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski screamed when woken up at the end of the game, “don’t do that! What happened? Where am I?” When told that he was at Cameron Indoor Stadium and his team had won, with Quinn Cook leading the way with a dominant free throw shooting performance, Krzyzewski said, “I still don’t understand. Why would you wake me up? That game was so boring Quinn Cook was our best player.” Krzyzewski then stared off into the distance and added, “Besides, I was having the most wonderful dream. And only Jabari Parker was there.”
- Sidney Crosby’s overtime goal was the difference for the Penguins, who beat the Islanders 3-2. The loss was the Islanders’ seventh straight, a run that Islanders winger Kyle Okposo attributed to “being stuck on this goddamn island for years. I didn’t even get to bring my desert-island discs, which include Mariah Carey’s Music Box and Boyz II Men’s II. Nor did I get to bring my island buddy Teddy Brumpus, who, last I heard, was up for a job at Target headquarters back in Minnesota. But that was six years ago now.” Okposo shook his head and added, “You think about all the plans you have for your life, and then you get drafted by the Islanders and poof, they all go away. Everything is about survival now.”
- Syracuse’s defense was stellar, shutting down the Indiana Hoosiers en route to a 69-52 win in its first Big Ten–ACC Challenge. “Where the hell did Syracuse come from?” yelled irate Hoosiers head coach Tom Crean after the game. “Seriously! This is the ACC! Syracuse isn’t on any coast. I thought we’d get Clemson or something. That was insane.” A furious Crean added, “And what was that zone defense they were running? I can’t believe that they’d run a zone on us! Seriously, how did we end up in Syracuse?”
- Rookies Victor Oladipo and Michael Carter-Williams both tallied triple-doubles as the Philadelphia 76ers edged the Orlando Magic 126-125 in double overtime. Meanwhile, Cavaliers forward and top overall pick Anthony Bennett stands only six assists or two steals away from a triple-double on the season, once again proving that Cleveland is Cleveland, and will always be Cleveland.
- On the same day that Lawrence Frank was demoted by head coach Jason Kidd, the Brooklyn Nets fell to 5-13 after getting demolished at home 111-87 by the Denver Nuggets. “Well, at least we still have our dignity,” Nets forward Kevin Garnett said after the game, not realizing that his dress shirt was coming out of his fly. “We may not have played up to our standards, but we have nothing to be ashamed of,” Garnett added, before tripping over teammate Mason Plumlee, who was lying on the ground having himself tripped when he thought he saw what he later described as “either a really cool squirrel or a normal chipmunk or maybe just a shadow” in the team’s locker room.