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About Last Night: This Is a Place of Facts

Victor Oladipo, Reggie BullockIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

Today’s jokes will be written and performed by Dr. Magnus Facts, the winner of the recent “About Last Night for a Day” contest. He has dedicated his life to facts.

  • Cody Zeller scored 20 points and grabbed eight boards as no. 1 Indiana destroyed no. 14 North Carolina 83-59. Hello, I am Dr. Magnus Facts. Indiana won this basketball game.
  • Trey Burke’s 18 points and 11 assists led no. 3 Michigan to a 79-72 home win over no. 18 NC State. Hello again, it’s me, Dr. Magnus Facts. Trey Burke is a sophomore.
  • A source told ESPN that the ACC will meet Wednesday morning and vote to add Louisville to the conference. Hi, Dr. Magnus Facts here. THIS IS PURE SPECULATION AT THIS POINT. I WANT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT. THIS IS PURE SPECULATION, AS DISTINGUISHED FROM A REAL FACT.
  • Sources report that the University of Arkansas has offered LSU coach Les Miles a five-year deal worth $27.5 million to become the new Razorback head coach. Hi guys, remember me? Dr. Magnus Facts. You know what my least favorite word in the world is? Sources. Sources are the enemy of facts, because sources can’t be relied upon. I bet you can’t guess my favorite word. It’s “facts.” My second-favorite word is “knocking on your door at night.”
  • Kobe Bryant scored 40 points, but a last-second shot by George Hill gave the Pacers a dramatic 79-77 victory over the Lakers. Hiya, Dr. Facts here. Magnus Facts. Kobe Bryant is a basketball player by trade, and a dancer by night. That last clause was an example of something I call “not-a-fact.” Sometimes we have to teach facts by teaching their opposite. It’s the hardest part of my job.
  • Bill O’Brien told a local radio station that he plans to remain as head coach of Penn State in 2013. Dr. Magnus Facts (me) used to work at a local radio station before the station chief found out that I post on message boards. I also made threats on the air.
  • James Harden’s 24 points and 12 assists spurred the Rockets to a 117-101 win over the Raptors. Do you people like tiny beards? I, Dr. Magnus Facts, have a tiny beard, and I also own a covey of ferrets that I take to conventions. My beard points to the earth.
  • Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz was suspended for the first 25 games of next season after testing positive for a banned amphetamine. Dr. Magnus Facts, checking in. I am a Phillies fan since childhood, but of course I mean the gypsy dance troupe from Paris.
  • As Michael Vick prepares to return to action, he’s adding extra padding to his helmet and will wear a protective skull cap in an effort to avoid further concussions. As a doctor, I, Dr. Magnus Facts, applaud Michael Vick and invite him to speak at the next ferret convention at the Marriott Hilton in downtown Seattle in 2017. I hope he doesn’t insult me by refusing. And that … is a fact! Goodnight, you sweet people.
  • Bio: Dr. Magnus Facts is a volunteer sheriff.