In case you were out living a young person’s life of leisure, here are the results and transactions that took place without your approval on Monday.
- CC Sabathia’s scorching summer continued as the Yanks topped the Chicago White Sox 3-2. It was the lefty’s 16th win of the season, and brought his ERA in his last 10 starts down to 1.76. People across America are now talking about “The Summer of CC” for the first time since that uptight blond lady from “The Nanny” captured the nation’s heart in 1994.
- Randy Moss is reportedly retiring from football. The 34-year-old receiver will end his career with 153 touchdown catches and nearly 15,000 receiving yards. Here’s a fictional conversation I had with him when I heard the news:
Me: Randy, now that you’re retiring, what’s your NFL legacy?
Moss: I think the fans and coaches will remember my love and respect for the sport of football.
(Long pause; Moss bursts out laughing)
Moss: Man, you should have seen your face! Seriously, though, everyone will remember that I was a dick to a caterer.
Me: And also that you didn’t win a Super Bowl.
Moss: Didn’t we beat the Giants that one time?
Eli Manning: No.
Plaxico Burress: Ugh! Not again!
Moss: Oh, Plaxico!
(Everyone laughs, freeze frame)
- Adrubal Cabrera hit two home runs to lead the Cleveland Indians to a 9-6 win over the Boston Red Sox. His second, a two-run blast in the 8th inning, marked the first runs allowed by Boston reliever Daniel Bard after 25 appearances. After the game, though, nobody treated Bard any differently. Terry Francona gave him helpful words of advice, Kevin Youkilis snapped wet towels at reporters, Dustin Pedroia worked on blueprints for his tree fort, and Jonathan Papelbon stood in the shower lighting matches and giggling.
- The Arizona Diamondbacks moved to within a game of the San Francisco Giants in the NL West, beating their divisional rivals 5-2. It was the fourth straight loss for the Giants, whose losing streak threatens to transform them from a World Series contender to a collection of ironic half-jokes by reliever Brian Wilson. “If I just say something deadpan, it’s automatically funny because of my beard,” said Wilson, who proceeded to stare until reporters laughed nervously.
- Derrek Lee hit two home runs in his Pittsburgh debut, but it wasn’t enough to overcome Carlos Zambrano and the Cubs, who won 5-3. The Pirates have fallen to just a game above .500, a situation manager Clint Hurdle likened to flight turbulence. Unfortunately, the metaphorical airplane in question is piloted by deceased blues singer “Blind” Willie Johnson.
- According to NBA commissioner David Stern, there’s still a wide gap between the players and the owners in collective bargaining discussions. The owners are accusing the players of ignoring league-wide losses, and the players are accusing the owners of inventing phrases like “collective bargaining” to scare them.
Shane Ryan is a staff writer for Grantland. Follow him on Twitter at @SCurrySavesDuke.