In case you were out just driving, man, just hitting the open road, here’s what you missed in sports Tuesday.
- The Houston Rockets tied the NBA record for 3-pointers but were denied the record outright after a flurry of ejections marred the end of their 140-109 win over the Golden State Warriors. Houston point guard Jeremy Lin, who led the way for the Rockets with 28 points and nine assists, said after the game, “It was total Linsanity out there, huh?” before pausing dramatically for effect. “I mean, I’ve seen some things in my day, but that was totally Linsane.” Lin then paused again, before admitting, “Guys, I have a lot of T-shirts to move, so if you could remind people of Linsanity, that would be really great. My cousin is all like, ‘Get these boxes out of my garage,’ and I’m like, ‘Whatever, Tom. You said I could leave them in there as long as I needed,’ and he’s all like, ‘Yeah, but I thought they’d be gone in a week,’ and I was all like, ‘Yeah, me, too.'”
- The Los Angeles Lakers, already missing Metta World Peace and Dwight Howard, lost Pau Gasol to a foot injury on their way to a 92-83 win over the Brooklyn Nets. After the game, a delighted Kobe Bryant said, “That’s what I’m talking about, just some scrubs, a guy who can pass the ball, and Kobe. Basketball nirvana? Basketball nirvana!” Kobe then waved at a quartet of long-haired facilities attendants before saying, “Oh, sorry, I thought those were the guys from Pearl Jam. Did you know they were originally named after basketball player Mookie Blaylock, and also played a lot of shows with Nirvana early in their careers? You probably did. Where was I? Oh yeah … Basketball nirvana! That time I was referring to getting to singlehandedly torch the Nets.”
- The Michigan Wolverines won an overtime thriller as Tim Hardaway Jr. got a controversial late block to deny Aaron Craft and Ohio State in the final seconds of their 76-74 victory in Ann Arbor. After the game, Ohio State coach Thad Matta said, “I guess we’re not calling things fouls anymore in this rivalry. I’ll tell Urban he can just have his guys hit their quarterback helmet to helmet. I guess when our baseball teams play, the whole field is fair ground, like some cockamamie game of cricket. I guess when I sweat through my shirt, no one can tell me how bad I smell. Wait, is that what’s going on?” Matta then checked his armpits and shook his head glumly before saying, “This night just went from bad to worse.”
- Arrrr-Kansas handed the Florida Gators their third loss of the season on what was apparently Kansas’s Pirate Fun Day, winning 80-69 in — wait, I read that wrong, hold on … Holy crap, Arkansas handed the Florida Gators their third loss of the season on what was apparently just a regular non-pirate day in Arkansas, winning 80-69 in Fayetteville. In unrelated news, Pirate Fun Day went off without a hitch in Lawrence, Kansas, as Jayhawks head coach Bill Self was dubbed “Ye Ol’ Captain Plainface” in a gentle bit of ribbing from the Kansas University Pep Squad.
- The Baltimore Ravens’ victory parade also went off without a hitch as 200,000 people celebrated with the Ravens players as they marched from City Hall to the team’s M&T Bank Stadium. This was a disappointment for those who hoped the event would play into the stereotypes regarding the criminal underbelly of Baltimore, as portrayed on television in such Emmy Award-winning dramas as The Wire and Homicide: Life on the Street. But nope, nothing like that happened, except, AHHHHHHHHHH!
- The Blackhawks continued their undefeated start to the season as Patrick Kane netted two goals in a 5-3 win over the San Jose Sharks at the HP Pavilion. Sharks center Andrew Desjardins, who was ejected in the loss after a questionable hit, said after the game, “That game was the worst thing to happen at an HP Pavilion since I gave my parents an HP Pavilion preloaded with Windows ME. That thing was a piece of garbage. Plus, they kept uninstalling all of the antivirus software. It’s like, ‘Mom, this is a Windows machine, you have to let it scan your e-mails,’ but she thought that would let the AOL guy steal her bank passwords. I don’t even know what that would mean.”
- Fox Sports named Gus Johnson their lead announcer for the 2018 World Cup in Russia. Johnson currently calls matches for the San Jose Earthquakes, who had an MLS-record 10 equalizing or winning goals in or after the 90th minute this season. FIFA president Sepp Blatter took the unusual step of commenting on the hire saying, “Employing this magic American is much cleaner than fixing the matches to make the games interesting … which isn’t something I would do. Stop looking at me like that.”
- The Saints announced they will interview Rob Ryan for their vacant defensive coordinator position. Ryan, who was let go by the Cowboys and Rams already this offseason, tweeted about his potential hiring, “Very excited to get to work instituting a system to monetarily reward my players for particularly gruesome hits to their opponents. #nola4life.” Ryan expects to find a new position in the league soon.
- As the PED scandal surrounding Biogenesis of America and Anthony Bosch deepens, 2011 NL MVP Ryan Braun’s name has become connected to the case. Braun has explained he was simply consulting Bosch in the run-up to his appeal with Major League Baseball after testing positive for illegally high testosterone levels. Now, I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but that’s totally reasonable. It’s almost exactly like that time I was accused of stealing burgers from McDonald’s, and I went straight to The Hamburglar to clear my name. Unfortunately, The Hamburglar only took my innocent attempt to seek his counsel to pin more hamburger-related thefts on me. Then, Mayor McCheese started slandering my name in the McTownSquare of McDonaldland, but it’s like, what happened to McInnocent until proven McGuilty? Which I can imagine is exactly what Ryan Braun is thinking: “What happened to McInnocent until proven McGuilty?”