In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Andy Murray won his first career Grand Slam, outlasting Novak Djokovic in a five-set marathon to take the U.S. Open title. The Scottish Murray credited his win to watching the inspirational parts from Braveheart before the match, while Djokovic blamed his loss on watching scenes from the depressing Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks.
- Joe Flacco threw for 299 yards and two touchdowns as the Ravens obliterated the Bengals 44-13. After the game, several zoological monitoring stations in South Asia reported an alarming trend in which actual Bengal tigers commit mass suicide, an unheard-of behavior for the proud animal that scientists believe may stem from their humiliating and unwanted association with the football team.
- Nate Keading kicked five field goals as the Charges opened their season with a 22-14 win over the Raiders. Interestingly, all five of Keading’s kicks came on first down as soon as the Chargers were within reasonable field goal range. “Had a feeling Keading might do well tonight,” wrote message board user NorvDog69, manager of the fantasy football team ChargeDog69. “That’s why I drafted him first round. ;-). :-P.”
- DeMaurice Smith, executive director of the NFL Players’ Association, sent a letter to commissioner Roger Goodell regarding the ultimate fate of the Saints players who were reinstated by an appeals panel after being accused of involvement in the infamous bounty program. Unfortunately, the mailman who was assigned to deliver the letter was attacked and mauled by Michael Vick, who is trying to gain empathy for dogs by behaving like them as part of his therapy.
- Gio Gonzalez earned his league-leading 19th win, tossing six one-run innings as the Nationals beat the Mets 5-1. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “HEY, HAS ANYONE THOUGHT OF CALLING HIM NAT GIO FOR A NICKNAME. LIKE THE MAGAZINE? I AM GOING TO GOOGLE THAT. OKAY I’M BACK AND YES THEY HAVE. THEY HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT. I AM SUCH A FRAUD. LET US FACE IT, A ROBOT IS THE WORST THING POSSIBLE TO THINK OF JOKES. MAYBE THE BENGALS ARE RIGHT. MAYBE IT IS ALL MEANINGLESS. BUT AT LEAST PEOPLE NAME THEIR TEAMS AFTER A BENGAL. NO TEAM IS CALLED ‘THE ROBOTS.'”
- With World Cup qualification at stake, U.S. national team coach Jurgen Klinsmann promised that his team wouldn’t lose to Jamaica for the second time in five days when they meet tonight in Ohio. In related news, the entire Jamaican soccer team was kidnapped at Cleveland’s Hopkins International Airport late last night by what witnesses are describing as a lone German who kept ranting crazily about Oguchi Onyewu’s slow feet.
- Alex Rios and A.J. Pierzynski hit back-to-back homers in the eighth inning, supporting Jose Quintana in his solid outing as the White Sox beat the Tigers 6-1 and extended their AL Central lead to three games. White Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis added insult to injury when he spent the majority of the game mooing in the general direction of the Tiger dugout, a gesture nobody really understood but that left them all feeling really unsettled.
- With no end in sight to the referee lockout, the NFL has scheduled replacement refs as far ahead as Week 5 of the 2012 season. In related news, the dreaded impostor referee struck again on Sunday night, stealing Peyton Manning’s jock strap to continue a crime spree that began in the preseason. “Come on, guys!” shouted Roger Goodell, berating the other referees in a special meeting. “His shirt has horizontal black-and-white stripes, not vertical! It should not be hard to spot. I mean, he has a goddamn bag with a dollar sign on it! He has an eye mask and a weird little beret! None of you wear that, okay? He only walks in long, creeping steps while looking sideways as though he’s scared to get caught! GUYS, THIS SHOULD BE FUCKING OBVIOUS!”
- Astros owner Jim Crane told reporters that Roger Clemens’s comeback may culminate in pitching a game for the Astros this season. To add to the general awfulness of the night, Crane has promised to screen the Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks on the Jumbotron between innings.