In case you were busy using an already awesome milk shake as the base for an even thicker and more decadent uber-milk shake, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Sergio Garcia and Marc Leishman shot 6-under to share the opening-round lead at the Masters. Garcia, considered among the best active players to have never won a major, said afterward, “Oh, no, please don’t notice I’m leading. I can’t choke if I’m not in front. I had no idea my round would be good enough to put me on top. Please, don’t even talk to me. Talk to Leishman! Just talk to Leishman! Why won’t you just talk to Leishman?!” Garcia then ran into a greenside bunker at the fourth hole, attempting to bury himself in the sand.
- The Bulls continued their streak-snapping ways, and Nate Robinson scored 35 points in Chicago’s 118-111 win over the New York Knicks at United Center. New York came to Chicago on a 13-game winning streak. Knicks coach Mike Woodson was reflective after the loss, saying, “Oh, we laughed when Erik Spoelstra came in shouting, ‘I’m out!’ when the Bulls brought down his team’s streak earlier this year. And we shrugged off his warning that they’d lay us low, as well. We were sure we’d remain kings of our castle, masters of our domain, lords of our manors. And yet here we are, sweaty, drained, and out of the winning streak contest ourselves.”
- Bryce Harper and the Washington Nationals continued their winning ways with a 7-4 win at home against the Chicago White Sox. Harper recorded another two hits in the game, raising his average to .417 on the season. He also got his first career intentional walk. “Won’t be the last time I walk on purpose,” Harper said after the game with his trademark verve. “Now that I know it’s possible, I’ll be doing it all the time. Going to the bathroom. Heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. No more aimless stumbling for me. So watch out, world, Harp-Money is all about moving with intention on two legs at a non-running pace.”
- The San Francisco Giants stormed back from an early five-run deficit to beat the Chicago Cubs, 7-6, at Wrigley Field. San Francisco starting pitcher Ryan Vogelsong, responsible for those five early runs, shook off the slow start to retire his last 10 batters and collect a win for his efforts. “I really Vogelsonged the situation,” Vogelsong said after the game. “Everything about tonight was Vogelsong. The disappointing lows. The stunning unforeseeable highs. Has anything ever been more Vogelsong? I would Vogelsong that Vogelsong Vogelsong.”
- In a game marred by a bench-clearing brawl, the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the San Diego Padres, 3-2, at Petco Park. Unfortunately, Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke, who hit Carlos Quentin with a 3-2 pitch, suffered a broken collarbone in the fight. To be fair, Quentin has never been hit by a pitch before,* and Greinke was clearly in a position where there was no harm in putting a runner on.** It was also the first pitch of the at-bat,*** so this was a totally reasonable moment for a bench-clearing brawl.****
*Quentin was the league leader in HBPs the past two seasons.
**The HBP came in a one-run game, and brought the potential go-ahead run to the plate.
***The HBP came on a full count after Greinke had been working Quentin away in the zone.
****In Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Practical Reason, the German philosopher posits that the categorical imperative is the only moral law. Or as he puts it in the Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals, “Act only in accordance with that maxim through which you can at the same time will that it become a universal law.” So, by that standard, one can assume that Quentin was acting unreasonably, or one would expect that he would suggest that a proper repercussion for the action taken against him in all cases is what he doled out to Greinke. But, as we’ve already seen, that is not how he himself has acted, as the most hit batsmen in baseball over the past two seasons; this is the first time he has broken anyone’s collarbone in response. Thus, QED, we have proved that breaking people’s collarbones is an unreasonable response to an HBP. Wait, why did we have to do that?
- San Jose scored a rare road win and left the Detroit Red Wings clinging to the final playoff spot in the West after a 3-2 shootout win at Joe Louis Arena. Patrick Marleau, who scored the shootout-winning goal, said after the game, “This was a huge win because getting home ice in the playoffs is a critical step to devastating our fans with our playoff exit. We wouldn’t want to give the Sharks’ faithful the time or space to prepare themselves emotionally for what’s going to happen. That’s never been the Sharks’ way, and we’re not going to change now. You don’t change Sharks in midstream.”
- Despite an impressive brace from Clint Dempsey, FC Basel bumped Tottenham Hotspur from the Europa League, 4-4 (4-1), on penalty kicks. “Of course we lost in penalties. Apparently, they speak German in Basel,” Spurs midfielder Scott Parker lamented after the match. “Curse your polyglot Swiss hearts! Why couldn’t we have been up against a team from Geneva or Sion?”
- The Oakland A’s recorded their eighth consecutive win, beating the Los Angeles Angels in Anaheim, 8-1. A’s general manager Billy Beane, who looked visibly haggard despite his team’s early success, said, “While I’m pleased with how things are proceeding here, I seek a bigger prize than an extended run of baseball wins.” When asked if he was referring to the World Series appearance that has eluded him throughout his illustrious career, Beane pulled a glowing blue orb from out of his robe and bellowed, “No, you fool! I seek a higher power that only the Crystal of Argozyne can bring me.” As thunder shook Angel Stadium, Beane added, “Soon, all of the dimensions shall fold into one, and all the uncertainty of a five- or seven-game baseball series shall be made certain!” Beane, then awkwardly realizing he was speaking on the record, quickly hid the glowing orb and stammered, “I mean, yes, yes, a World Series appearance. Yes, exactly. I was just, um, joshing, just doing some joshing around.”