In case you were busy wondering what living Nicolas Cage’s life would feel like, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The NCAA tournament got under way in Dayton as North Carolina A&T edged Liberty, 73-72. The win was a clear victory for Revisionist Bracketologists, who are well aware of the infringements on liberty that occur when advanced technology mechanizes our agricultural processes. However, the day’s other game, in which the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders fell to St. Mary’s, was a triumph for Conservative Bracketologists who respect religion’s place in society and who do not support raiding, regardless of the color it takes. Fortunately, both groups found common ground in Kentucky’s first-round NIT loss to Robert Morris, as John Calipari is both an affront to those who desire a more equitable distribution of finite economic resources and God.
- In a Western Conference showdown, the Denver Nuggets proved their recent winning ways are no fluke beating the Oklahoma City Thunder, 114-104, on the road. “It’s not fair,” said Thunder forward Kevin Durant after the game. “It’s our house. They should have to play by our rules.” Scott Brooks lent his star forward a sympathetic ear, saying, “I hear you, Kevin, but be honest, what rules did they break?” Durant fought back tears as he said, “All of them.” “Well, that’s true,” Brooks granted, before asking, “but were they punished for their infractions? Huh? How many free throws did you shoot tonight?” Durant was silent. “Come on, Kevin,” Brooks implored. “How many?” “Sixteen,” Durant said with a shake of his head. Brooks kept pushing. “And how many did you make?” “Fourteen,” Durant said with a grin. Brooks rubbed Kevin’s head. “That’s pretty good, isn’t it? Maybe they just came in here and played really well. And maybe, just maybe, we can learn from this and give ’em ‘what for’ come playoff time. Does that sound good?” Durant’s grin stretched into a broad smile, as he stood up, visibly reinvigorated. “Yeah, Coach, it sure does!”
- The Sacramento Kings used a 38-point fourth-quarter to upset the Los Angeles Clippers, 116-101, at the Sleep Train Arena. DeMarcus Cousins was particularly pleased with his team’s win, saying after the game, “I hope this means we don’t have to move anywhere. I really don’t want to get off of this Sleep Train, you know? Man, sleeping is just the best. When you can just lay down in bed and just really get your sleep on.” Cousins, who was sporting an old-timey sleeping cap, then yawned loudly and stretched in an exaggerated fashion to signal to the press that interview time was over.
- The Dominican Republic completed the first-ever perfect World Baseball Classic, topping Puerto Rico, 3-0. Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano earned the MVP trophy for the tournament. “Let me guess,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, “he immediately dropped it on his damn foot. … Do I look tired? I feel tired.”
- The Milwaukee Bucks outscored the Portland Trail Blazers, 31-8, in the second quarter, en route to a comfortable 102-95 home win. The Blazers fell to a woeful 9-25 on the road, a record that Blazers forward LaMarcus Aldridge attributed to the copy of On The Road he picked up from Powell’s Books over the summer. “Every road trip is a journey,” Aldridge explained, “much like every life is an opportunity to not be some phony piece of garbage focused on ‘winning’ or ‘weakside defensive rotations.’ So just, chill out. Man.” Blazers head coach Terry Stotts has reportedly spent much of the season searching in vain for a road novel that does emphasize weakside defensive rotations to give to Aldridge.
- Sidney Crosby had two assists as the Pittsburgh Penguins overcame an early Alex Ovechkin goal to get their 10th straight win, 2-1, over the Washington Capitals. Ovechkin was seen after the game telling Crosby, “Good game! You got me this time, but ol’ Alex is still comin’ for you. This rivalry’s not dead yet!” Crosby, who nodded politely at Ovechkin, was later seen asking teammate Matt Niskanen who Ovechkin was, and why he might have no memory of a purportedly fierce rival.
- Henrik Lundqvist had 29 saves as the New York Rangers beat the New Jersey Devils, 3-2 in Newark. Veteran Devils goalkeeper Martin Brodeur was on the bench with an injury, while his replacement, Johan Hedberg, lost his third straight start. “Johan may not be the sharpest anymore, but his dry brand of Swedish wit makes it worth keeping him around,” said Devils head coach Peter DeBoer. “Yesterday, Hedberg was like, ‘I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be how long I sleep during dark Swedish winter.'” When no one laughed, DeBoer explained, “You had to hear him say it. Guy has the best deadpan.”
- President Barack Obama has once again named his picks for the NCAA Final Four: Louisville, Indiana, Florida, and Ohio State. Republican House Speaker and Ohio native John Boehner countered with his own Final Four picks: Michigan State, Kansas, Miami, and “Are you serious that he picked Ohio State? What do I do? Um, Pass.”