In case you were busy helping J.J. Abrams run a viral marketing campaign for Star Trek Into Darkness in Central Russia, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Chris Paul and the division-leading Los Angeles Clippers beat the Los Angeles Lakers “on the road” at Staples Center, 125-101. “This year, the crowd dynamic has really changed,” Paul said after the game. “Usually when we play the Lakers, they have the most fans, but it’s been really different of late. I don’t know what could have led to the basketball fans of Los Angeles supporting us when they all seemed to be so passionate about the Lakers in the past. It makes no sense at all. They were Lakers fans, something happened, and now they root for the Clippers. I don’t know, I’ll take it, but it’s totally inexplicable.”
- The Miami Heat completed a season sweep of the Oklahoma City Thunder, winning 110-100, behind another monster game from LeBron James, who had 39 points and 12 rebounds for the Heat. When asked about the challenge of facing the Thunder, Heat forward Chris Bosh, who added 20 points on 10-14 shooting from the field, said, “I wish my head weren’t so small. It makes my neck look dumb in a jersey. Do you think they’d let me play in a polo shirt? Wait, what did you ask me? Something about our opponents? I dunno about that, man. I got bigger issues on my mind.” Bosh then muttered under his breath, “I wish I had a bigger skull on my mind, too,” before dejectedly kicking a pile of towels onto reserve point guard Norris Cole’s flattop.
- The Minnesota Golden Gophers topped the Wisconsin Badgers, 58-53, in overtime to get back to .500 in Big 10 play and improve their NCAA tournament résumé. The game was a low-scoring affair, as it was played with the traditional “Lake Country” rules in effect. This means that 3-point field goals are worth one point, 2-point field goals are worth one point, free-throws are worth one point, and after every basket, a local child is brought down to say, “That’s a one-pointer,” while everyone in the stands politely claps as the clock continues to run.
- Colorado’s men’s basketball team avenged a controversial overtime defeat to the Arizona Wildcats, winning at home, 71-58. Buffaloes guard Sabatino Chen, who made the disallowed buzzer-beater in the teams’ previous matchup, was held to zero points in this game. When asked if he was at all disappointed, Chen responded, “Honestly, yeah, kind of. Why have I been working so hard at my game? The less I score, the more we win. I’m starting to think I’ve wasted my whole college experience. You know, I haven’t been to a single party in my time at Colorado? Colorado! From here on out, you’re going to see a new Sabatino Chen, supercool party-animal Sabatino Chen. Tonight is gonna be the best night of my life!” Chen was seen later in the evening next to a toilet at the Sigma Nu fraternity house, talking about how his dad was going to be so pissed and how no one should call the cops cause he’s “gonna be cool soon.”
- Tottenham Hotspur topped Lyon, 2-1, in Europa League action behind two sensational Gareth Bale stoppage time free-kick goals. The Welsh winger, who has scored Tottenham’s last six goals, said after the match, “It’s always good to score, but I only set up one of the free kicks by diving at the slightest bit of contact. Hopefully, in the return leg I can …” Bale was then interrupted, as teammate Scott Parker walked kind of near him, and the Welshman instinctively threw himself to the ground.
- South African double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius, also known as the Blade Runner, was arrested at his home in Pretoria and charged with the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. There remain more questions than answers at this point in the tragedy, as police took the unusual step of administering the “Voight-Kampff” test to Pistorius, before remembering that they were investigating a murder suspect, not an actual Blade Runner. “Besides,” said a Pretoria police spokesman, “the ‘Voight-Kampff’ test is used by Blade Runners, not on Blade Runners, to determine if a subject being interrogated is a replicant. But that only works in a fictional universe as imagined by Philip K. Dick anyway. I don’t know which idiot approved any of this; the whole damn day was a wash.”
- Kevin Youkilis, in his first interview as a member of the New York Yankees, declared, “I’ll always be a Red Sock.” Youkilis went on to say, “Oh, jeez, that didn’t come out right. Why do I always let my big mouth make Valentine’s Day awkward? ‘I don’t know if that dress looks good on you, honey.’ ‘I totally have roses; they’re just out in the car.’ ‘I still consider myself a Red Sock.'” Youkilis then started hitting himself in the head while repeating, “Stupid Kevin. No one loves a stupid Kevin.”
- Head football coach Steve Spurrier assured South Carolina Gamecocks fans that star defensive lineman Jadeveon Clowney will play out his junior season before declaring for the draft. “The young man is excited to play football, he’s ready for the new season, and he’s had every memory related to Marcus Lattimore removed from his brain.” When asked if the memories were removed using a procedure such as the one featured in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Spurrier responded, “No, that was a fictional film. We just use full-contact two-a-days for that sorta thing.”
- Matt Kuchar shot a 7-under 64 to take a one-shot lead over Sergio Garcia after the first day of the Northern Trust Open at Los Angeles’ Riviera Country Club. For those of you who watched the first-round action at home, those weren’t boos you heard as Kuchar opened the round with three consecutive birdies. That was the typically raucous crowd of Angelenos buoying Kuchar’s spirits through the round, following him around the golf course yelling “Kooch.” Well, you also heard Kuchar’s self-proclaimed “ex-biggest fan,” Flossie Granderson, who was booing Kuchar until she was removed from the course for violating the terms of her probation, but it was mostly people yelling “Kooch.”