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About Last Night: The A-Rod Edition

Kobe Bryant[Editor’s note: An old friend called and asked if he could take over today’s column. He sounded really sad and desperate on the phone, so I agreed.]

In case you were too busy NOT being the greatest shortstop AND third baseman of all time, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

Hey guys, future Hall-of-Famer Alex Rodriguez here. Spike asked me to take ALN off of his hands for the day, and I generously agreed. I figured I could use humor to start getting back into America’s good graces after a not so great day of news for me. Hey, it’s like they always say, when life gives you deer poop, kill the deer and drink the liquefied remains of their antlers. Hehe. OK, let’s go.

  • We’re going to start with my favorite sport other than baseball, and that’s NBA basketball. Last night the Los Angeles Lakers of Los Angeles played the New Orleans Hornets at home. (Oh wait, I wrote Los Angeles twice. How do you erase words that you already wrote? I guess it’s not technically wrong … I’ll leave it.) Before the game, I gave my best friend Kobe Bryant like 15 phone calls to be like, “Hey, bud, how’s it going?” cuz I could really use a pick-me-up, but he must’ve been busy or something because he never answered. Anyway, he’s a great friend, and the Lakers won, 111-106.
  • Also playing basketball were the Dallas Mavericks and the Portland Trailblazers. Pro basketball is great because the players are so tall, but they’re also fast. I’m a big fan of Mark Cuban, even though the Cubans are still enemies of America! Hehe. (I know that Mark Cuban isn’t really Cuban.) Anyway, the Cubans lost this one, but this time they were the Mavericks, and the score was 106-104 after LaMarcus Aldridge hit a buzzer-beater.
  • Unranked Kentucky upset Old Mississippi 87-74. That was surprising to me, because I had no idea Kentucky wasn’t ranked, and also isn’t it Old Milwaukee? Hehe. Anyway, this is special guys, so get ready, my Rodriguez True Yankee Award Of The Day goes to John Calipari, because he is such a great coach and stand-up guy. I gave him, like, 12 calls to congratulate him on the win, but he didn’t pick up, because he was probably busy recruiting. Guy is the best, which is something I relate to. I really look up to him, but we’re on the same level, so really I just look over at him, but up a little bit because he’s older.
  • Oh, man, I totally blew it with already giving out my Rodriguez True Yankee Award of the Day, because I really should’ve given it to Thomas Jefferson for founding the University of Virginia, which beat North Carolina State in basketball, 58-55. Jefferson is one of my favorite Americans, because sure, he did some stuff he wasn’t so proud of, what with the slavery and all that, but he was also one of America’s greatest founding fathers, and mostly he’s remembered for that. Which is pretty cool, yeah? We all make mistakes.
  • The US Men’s Soccer team really let me down last night, playing to a 0-0 draw with Canada. Soccer is my favorite sport other than baseball, so when America plays a boring game, I feel angry, but also helpful. I gave Jurgen Klinsmann seven calls after the game, just to let him know about a great place to go next time he’s near Dusseldorf to pick up some supplements to give the boys some pep, but he didn’t answer, probably because he has an important job, and he had a not-so-great day, too. (Remember to forgive, Alex. Start with yourself. Then forgive others.)
  • Super Bowl media day was Tuesday, and 49ers star Randy Moss said he was the greatest wide receiver of all time. I blame myself for this one. I called Randy 22 times over the last week to try to talk him down, because I’ve learned a lesson or two in what it is to not be humble. Even if you know you’re the best, you always give credit to those who came before you. (Like Derek Jeter because really, let’s face it, I’m way better than that guy … oh, no, how do you get rid of the words that came before?! I guess it’s not technically wrong … I’ll leave it.) That’s how you curry favor with the press and the media. Randy makes me shake my head, but he’s just so good that I have to laugh and say, “Oh, Randy.” I bet he does the same thing with me sometimes, now that I think about it. Walk a mile in another man’s shoes, then see how it feels. Oh, man, remember Austin Powers? “Do I make you Randy, baby?” That movie was very funny. I wonder if anyone has ever asked him that before? “Do I make you Randy, baby?” Hehe.
  • Hockey is my favorite sport other than baseball, and being a Florida native and all, I was excited to see my Panthers take on their rivals the Tampa Bay Lightning. But then the Lightning won, 5-2. Just not my day, right? But no! I called Florida Panthers goalie Jose Theodore, and he totally picked up after just two calls! Apparently he didn’t have my number, and we talked for like 20 minutes about how hard it is to deal with the media as a sports superstar, and, yeah, I opened up emotionally a little bit, but I didn’t cry or anything, and then, yeah, he had to go see his kids, which is kinda weird because they were playing on the road, but also makes total sense because family’s the most important thing. It was so nice just to talk to another guy who really gets it, you know?
  • Apparently the Yankees are trying to void my contract. Wow. That’s a real tough one to hear. I really want that money so I can spend it. And for my charity work. Let’s just move on.
  • Ray Lewis is another superstar having a tough day, having found himself implicated in a different drug scandal. He denied it, though, which is smart. I should’ve denied it when I had the chance. What is it about taking drugs that makes everyone so mad? No one gets mad at Keith Richards for drugs. Everyone loves that guy. When Keith Richards calls his friends, I bet they pick up. Life can be really unfair for guys like me. (No, Alex. You must remember to forgive, Alex. Just because people are jealous of your talent. Take deep breaths. Look in the mirror. Yes. You are Alex Rodriguez. You are the greatest. Breathe in. Breathe out. Ahhhhhhh.) Wow. Writing can be really therapeutic.