In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Kobe Bryant became the youngest NBA player to reach 30,000 points in the second quarter of the Lakers’ 103-87 win over the New Orleans Hornicans. “Say the word youngest again,” Bryant said to reporters, as he soaked his feet in hot water and epsom salts. “Just keep saying it while I close my eyes. Don’t be weirded out if I moan.”
- The Charlotte Bobcats became the youngest NBA franchise to reach 1,000 moral victories with a 100-98 loss to the Knicks.
- Wisconsin athletic director Barry Alvarez will coach the Badgers in the Rose Bowl after Bret Bielema departed for the head coaching gig at Arkansas. Alvarez told reporters that he saw this game as his big chance to run all the crazy plays he never got a chance to run when job security was an issue, such as “Fumblerooskie,” “Fumbalaya,” “Fumbalina,” “Fumb-Tack,” “Fumb-and-Fumber,” “Fumble Pie,” “The Fumble in the Jungle,” “Royal Fumble,” “Fumblebee,” “Benedict Fumblebatch (new play),” “Fumbledorf,” “Fumblecore,” “Comfortably Fumb,” “Fumblestiltskin,” “Fumbledown Economics,” and “Bryant Fumble.”
- Kenny Boynton and Miker Osario each scored 14 points as no. 6 Florida demolished rival Florida State 72-47. “It’s Mike Rosario, not Miker Osario!” yelled Osario during the post-game press conference. But that’s just Miker being Miker.
- Appearing at a charity function, a fit-looking Derek Jeter told reporters he’ll be ready to play on opening day, and also joked about a photo published last week that made him look fat. He then ate 40 croissants and disappeared to the bathroom for 20 minutes.
- All 30 NHL teams enjoyed a day of rest yesterday.
- Brittney Griner scored 24 points and grabbed 14 boards as the no. 3 Baylor Lady Bears defeated no. 5 Notre Dame 73-61. And look, I know you guys are going to resuscitate the tired old debate — could Baylor beat the Washington Mystics on a neutral court? But that’s inane. I mean, I know Griner is good, but you’re telling me the Mystics wouldn’t dominate every other facet of the game? Those women are paid professionals! They’ve got people like, um hold on why is my f***ing Internet being so slow? wait, do they is there no Washington Mystics website? This one I’m on seems to be about a coven of occultists in the Pacific northwest. Wow, can they really make your penis that big with sorcery? (I’m asking for a friend.)
- Don Larsen sold the jersey he wore during his perfect game for over $700,000 at an auction last night, while Bobby Knight’s championship ring from the 1976 perfect season fetched over $200,000. But the real star of the night was Yogi Berra, who sold his bow tie from that time he made a quip about how it “gets late early” for $37.
- Lionel Messi left the field with a bruised knee late in Barcelona’s 0-0 draw against Benfica, a result that allowed Glasgow Celtic to advance to the Champions League final 16 with a 2-1 win over Spartak Moscow. The good people of Glasgow celebrated the victory by inhaling factory fumes and spitting.