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About Last Night: Terrelle Is Ready For His Close-Up

Terrell Pryor

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • At a hearing that lasted 80 minutes, Roger Goodell heard Terrelle Pryor’s appeal of his five-game suspension. Pryor’s appeal opened with a take-off on the Beach Boys’ “Help Me Rhonda” called “Help me Roger,” and it reportedly had Goodell dancing in the aisles. Later, he reduced the commissioner to tears with a passionate rendition of Beneatha Younger’s “Me, I’m nothing” monologue from A Raisin in the Sun.

  • The #3 LSU Tigers remained undefeated with a 19-6 SEC road win over #25 Mississippi State. After the game, when Miss. St. head coach Dan Mullen’s son asked his dad whether he should take up sports or art, Mullen just kept screaming “draw! draw!”
  • Evan Longoria and the Tampa Bay Rays narrowed their wild card gap deficit to three games with a 9-2 win over Boston. If they sweep the weekend series, they’ll pull dead even with the Sox, who are enduring a miserable September. “To sweep perchance to dream, am I right fellas?” said Longoria, but none of his teammates would give him a high five.
  • Ryan Howard’s walk-off double in the tenth inning gave the Phillies a day-night doubleheader sweep against the Marlins. After the game, Marlins manager Jack McKeon stood at his desk contemplating a clock, muttering, “if we could only play in the pre-dawn … “
  • Speaking of the Marlins, outfielder Logan Morrison filed a grievance against his team for being demoted to the minors last month, claiming he was sent to there for reasons unrelated to his on-field performance. When reached for comment, Jack McKeon screamed, “WHY WON’T THEY LET US PLAY IN THE PRE-DAWN?!”
  • NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon said there was “something fishy” about Kevin Harvick’s win at Richmond International Speedway, and implied that one of Harvick’s teammates may have spun out on purpose to induce a beneficial caution, coordinating the move on second channel radio after the gaps were calculated. That let Harvick beat Gordon out of the pit after the restart, denying him a tie atop the Sprint Cup leaderboard. As of press time, Gordon’s comments had not yet been translated into English.
  • The University of Oklahoma’s board of regents will reportedly discuss switching conferences at a meeting this Monday. The matter won’t come necessarily come to a vote, but if it does, the annoying Libertarian regent will probably skew the numbers by voting to play without pads, or something.
  • Ian Desmond’s five hits led the Nationals to a 10-1 win over the Mets, completing a four-game sweep. It was the worst homestand for the Mets since 2004. “We folded it up,” said manager Terry Collins. “And I won’t stand for that.” Instead, he plans to see about managing a different team. Someone fun, like the Yankees.
  • Tim Tebow thanked a group of outspoken fans who considered buying a billboard to urge the Broncos to make him the starting quarterback, but said it wouldn’t influence head coach John Fox. “I can’t really remember (a billboard) that influenced me,” Fox told reporters. At the time, though, he was reciting pithy lines of scripture, eating several McDonald’s burgers, and furiously tuning his radio dial to hear what the local shock jocks had to say.