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About Last Night: Tales From the Fescue

Zach Johnson

In case you were out getting those last rays of sunshine before sports finally come back and you never have to go outside again, here’s what you missed in “sports” on Thursday:

  • In a sporting event that, unlike everything else that has happened in the past 48 hours, can easily be described as “something a good number of people I know care about,” Zach Johnson carded a first-round 66 at Muirfield to lead the Open Championship at 5-under-par. Tiger Woods lurks three strokes behind Johnson, and because his name is Tiger he must at all times be described as either “lurking,” “stalking,” “pouncing,” or “going extinct because of environmental factors well outside of his control.”
  • For the first time this year, a Frenchman won a stage at the Tour de France, with Christophe Riblon winning the 18th stage — which for the first time in the tour’s century-long history involved climbing Alpe d’Huez twice. After the stage, Riblon was finally able to light up a Gauloise, at which point he mused, “To climb a mountain once is to be a man. We all climb the same mountain, the one toward death, yet we feel as if we are tumbling down it. We are not. We are always climbing, the climb being the suffering of our mind and bodies.” Riblon then lit a second cigarette off of the first, and added with a wry smile, “But to climb a mountain twice, that is to be both more and less than a man. More because you have cheated death, the icy grip that is meant to take us all. And less because without death, how can we be sure we have been born?” Riblon then sucked incredibly hard on both cigarettes, expanding his diaphragm until it appeared as if he were pregnant. “Good baby,” he said as he exhaled, allowing his stomach to return to its normal size. “You were probably me once.”
  • Meanwhile, despite incurring a penalty for eating an energy bar too close to the finish line, British cyclist Chris Froome took another step toward a Tour de France victory with a seventh-place finish in the stage. I for one am glad that the Tour de France is finally taking a hard line toward performance-enhancing food. For too long riders have been getting away with eating wherever they please, and whatever they please. Carbohydrates, proteins, fats. If cycling wants to be taken seriously again it needs to get eating out of the sport immediately.
  • Assault charges against San Francisco 49ers linebacker Ahmad Brooks were dropped, with prosecutors citing a lack of evidence to bring the case to trial. But I think there are bigger questions at play here in terms of the NFL and justice: What hat was he wearing? Was it a cap? Was it a 49ers hat? A fedora? A stack of hats like the ones the monkeys stole in Caps for Sale? I demand answers!
  • Red Sox starter Clay Buchholz suffered another setback as he attempts to rehabilitate lingering soreness in his pitching shoulder. “I had the craziest dream,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said as he awoke this morning. “I traded for Buchholz and his shoulder fell apart, but it wasn’t really Clay Buchholz, it was my dad, and he just kept screaming, ‘This is your fault, you’re a failure,’ and then I looked in his eyes and they were cat eyes. And he started meowing at me. And then I realized it wasn’t my father at all, but Catman, Catwoman’s father, so as you can see, sir, whose name I don’t know, it makes perfect sense that I would wake up in what is apparently your son Mason’s bed wearing a catsuit. Now if you’ll just show me the exit and stop telling the police to come to your home, I’ll just be on my way to Yankee Stadium, thank you very much.”
  • The Hornets are returning to Charlotte, as apparently the NBA thought it was reasonable to put a second team in Charlotte rather than give a team back to Seattle. What the hell? Why would this happen? Charlotte is barely supporting the Bobcats at this point. The team is a laughingstock. The city is nothing more than a bunch of freeways and some banks. The whole state is a crock of garbage. Tar Heels? What the hell is that? Plus, Carolina? The state of Carolines? Have you ever met a nice person named Caroline? And don’t say “Sweet Caroline.” That is an ironic name for an ironic song, drenched in irony. That’s what the buh buh buh’s represent. So don’t come at me with this two-teams-in-Carolina horseshit. This is such a nightmare I will never read past the headline. NEVER! I HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION ON AND ANGER FED BY THIS TOPIC THAT I NEED. MOVING ON.
  • Manchester City has found its newest striker, signing Stevan Jovetic away from Fiorentina. “I have big shoes to fill; Balotelli and Tevez are legends,” Jovetic said of his move to Manchester. “But I plan on taking all the crazy pills it takes to do my part.” When told that crazy pills aren’t a real thing, Jovetic’s eyes got big, before he mumbled, “Well, shit, how am I supposed to live up to those guys’ legacies without crazy pills? This is a disaster.”