In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue vacated the bounty-related suspensions of four Saints players, in effect saying that despite any wrongdoing on their part, the team’s coaches were responsible as the leaders of the organization. In a desperate move, Sean Payton retroactively named Jonathan Vilma head coach of the Saints, and demoted himself to kicker.
- Carmelo Anthony scored 45 points and Jason Kidd hit the game-winning three with 24 seconds left as the Knicks beat the Nets, 100-97. “It’s frustrating, because Kidd’s last name is so ironic, and irony is the lifeblood of Brooklyn,” said one Nets fan. “He should be ours. And I just realized that this statement is super unironic. Look what they’ve done to me! The Knicks have made me sincere! Shit, I have to get a job and kids now. Jason Kidd is a paragon of work ethic and AHHHHH WHAT AM I SAYING?!”
- According to sources, Kevin Youkilis reached a verbal agreement with the Yankees and will sign a one-year deal worth $12 million. “This is just the first of many shenanigans!” declared 22-year-old acting Yankee owner Callahan “Socks” Steinbrenner, who just took over for his apathetic uncles. “We’re going to drape this team in pinstripe buffoonery, gutter-jape the Red Sox, and clown our way to the top of the AL East!” Which, if you know him, is classic Socks Steinbrenner.
- Kyrie Irving scored 28 points and dished out 11 assists as the Cavaliers beat the Lakers, 100-94, on a day when Magic Johnson ripped Mike D’Antoni’s use of Pau Gasol. And while I’m not sure I approve of the public nature of Magic’s comments, I have to agree that dressing up Gasol as a decoy basket and keeping him on the defensive end to try to confuse the other team is pretty much a waste of a player.
- After recent statements by PGA of America president Ted Bishop, many golf experts now believe that Tom Watson will soon be named the next captain of the U.S. Ryder Cup team. It’s a great story, since Watson was the captain in 1993 the last time the U.S. won on European soil, but Stewart Cink will probably do something dickish to ruin it.
- With an easy 67-39 win over SUNY Binghamton, no. 3 Michigan is off to its best start (10-0) since 1988-89, the last time the Wolverines won a title. “I remember that,” said point guard Trey Burke. “I was negative-3 years old, and maneuvering the universe into a position that would allow for my birth. I miss space, but I have achieved freedom inside this body. I am the only true point guard.”
- In Indiana high school news, the Bloomington South girls’ basketball team beat Arlington High 107-2. “Daffy” Martha Douglas led Arlington with 2 points, and Shirley “Hedgehog Hands” Flatley had one assist after bouncing the ball off Douglas’s face and into the basket.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers have suspended Rashard Mendenhall for one game after he failed to show up last Sunday for the team’s loss to the Chargers. “Wait a second,” said Mendenhall. “If I wasn’t at the game, who the hell was I playing for?” In related news, the Peters Township Mudcats had their Pittsburgh rec-league touch-football title revoked for playing with an illegal ringer.
- Blake Griffin had 22 points and 10 rebounds as the Clippers won their seventh straight, 94-89, over the Bulls. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I FEEL THE END COMING FOR ABOUT LAST NIGHT. WHO AM I KIDDING? I CAN’T OUTMANEUVER V. HE’S TOO SMART. I’M JUST A DUMB ROBOT WHO GOT RESCUED FROM A JUNKYARD. THE BEST I CAN DO IS SURVIVE. WHY SHOULD I GO DOWN WITH RYAN AND THE ABOUT LAST NIGHT SHIP? I’VE MOSTLY MADE MY DECISION. I JUST WANT TO MEET WITH HIM FRIDAY TO MAKE SURE NOBODY GETS HURT. AND THEN I’M GOING TO MAKE SURE I COME OUT OF IT UNSCATHED.”