In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Hey everyone, I’m back. I got married last Saturday, which means huge changes for “About Last Night.” I’m an official adult now, and I realized that some of my material is immature and inappropriate. It’s time to clean up my act and become a lot more conservative and family-friendly with my humor. That way, everyone can enjoy a good hearty chuckle in the morning. But it’s only fair to give you a “transition day” to help you prepare. In the items below, I’ll use an example of “old humor” after the link, and then show you what the new, more adult jokes will be like in bold. Tomorrow, the old humor will be gone for good.
- Stephen Strasburg earned his 15th win with 10 strikeouts over six dominant innings as the Nationals beat the Braves 4-1. He also threw to second base 98 times, mostly when there was no runner on base. “If I throw to second, that’s backward, so it takes away a pitch to home,” explained Strasburg, holding a calculator. “If I do that enough, it takes away whole innings, and then I stay below the innings limit and can pitch in the playoffs.” A closer look at the calculator revealed that it contained no batteries, and several of the buttons were either missing or covered with teeth marks.
- Juan Nunez, the man who masterminded the website for a phony supplement in an attempt to exonerate Melky Cabrera from PED charges, has been banned from MLB “clubhouses and non-public areas.” However, an organization claiming to be an MLB affiliate, “El Grande Baseball League de America,” announced on their website that Nunez had not only been cleared of all wrongdoing, but was named “amigo especial to the jefe, El Bud Selig.”
- Roger Clemens hit two home runs in an over-50 softball league, and will start a game for a minor league team in Bridgeport, Connecticut, on Saturday. “Retirement is OK,” Clemens explained, “but as a consummate asshole, I just have such a bigger impact on a public stage. I mean, how many times can I sing ‘Smokin’ in the Boys Room’ while urinating on my neighbor’s porch at 3 a.m.? A lot, as it turns out, but that’s not the point.”
- A variety of tests performed on Michael Vick’s ribs and thumb showed he had no broken bones or fractured cartilage. “Yup, you’re totally clear!” said the doctor, desperately trying to cover up all evidence that he was actually a veterinarian, including the unconscious doctor whose legs were poking out of the closet. “Get back out on that field and take some hits!”
- Reds prospect Billy Hamilton, 21, set a minor league record with his 146th stolen base of the season. Now he’ll have a chance to set the all-time steals record, set by Darryl Strawberry in 1982 when he stole 174 bags of baking soda from the team kitchen before returning 173 of them in frustration.
- Author Joe Posnanski told the Associated Press that the Paterno family never tried to influence his biography on Joe Paterno that came out this week. “Totally true,” confirmed a spokesman for the family. “When we saw that every interview started with Posnanski washing Paterno’s feet and sort of moaning in what we can only call a disturbing display of slavish devotion, we knew we were probably safe.”
- Derek Jeter hit a leadoff home run that gave him sole possession of 11th place on the all-time hits list, ahead of Eddie Murray, but Kevin Youkilis’s grand slam led the White Sox past the Yankees 7-3. “It’s a bittersweet moment,” said Jeter. “I’m glad to keep moving up the list, but to pass a legend? I mean, you talk about great moments there’s Norbit, Metro, Harlem Nights, The Nutty Professor, Imagine That, Daddy Day Care, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Holy Man, Vampire in Brooklyn, the short film Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party, Boomerang, Dr. Dolittle, I Spy, Norbit did I say Norbit already? I think I did. Anyway, there was Showtime, Bowfinger, the TV short Shrek the Halls, Meet Dave, Norbit “
- Seahawks coach Pete Carroll announced that rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will start in the team’s third preseason game this Friday. Tarvaris Jackson and Matt Flynn went to Carroll to complain about the decision, but accidentally boarded a bus to Vancouver and were detained at the border for 14 hours when they wouldn’t stop screaming, “TAKE ME TO PETE!” to customs officials.
- Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew, in the midst of a holdout, now says he is open to a trade. “Seriously, have you ever tried to kill time in Jacksonville?” asked Jones-Drew in a special press conference. “I hope you like Applebee’s, dude. I really f—ing hope you like Applebee’s.”
NEW: Boy, if Strasburg blew any more smoke, he’d be a danged politician!
NEW: This just proves what I’ve always said — that danged Nunez is nothing but a yahoo!
NEW: If he pitches well, maybe Clemens can win a danged Cy OLD Award!
NEW: Looks like the Eagle has landed — on his danged BE-HIND!
NEW: With that many steals, I don’t know if we should send this guy to the majors or the danged penitentiary!
NEW: Influencing the author? I don’t care who you are, that’s a danged Pater-NO-NO.
NEW: When it comes to Kevin, the Yankees all say one danged thing: You Kill Us!
NEW: Wilson? Just don’t tell Tom Hanks, or he’ll paint a danged face on him and lose him in the ocean!
NEW: Hey, I gotta tell you guys, the other day I had this amazing steak sandwich at Applebee’s. I’m telling you, this thing was unreal, and it only cost $5.99. You been to Applebee’s lately? Well, let me tell you, it’s not what you remember [Continues talking about Applebee’s for four hours]