In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Monday was Randy Moss’ birthday, and he made the surprising announcement that he wants to play football next season. In a moment that was perhaps too candid, he asked, “anyone out there looking to ruin their NFL franchise?”
- Carmelo Anthony is set to return from injury later this week, and insisted that he can co-exist with Jeremy Lin on the floor. Lin, for his part, said he can’t co-exist with Anthony, and has hired spunky actor Cuba Gooding Jr. to play the role for the foreseeable future.
- Racial relations expert and boxer Floyd Mayweather said that Jeremy Lin is getting so much attention because of his race, rather than his level of play. It’s tempting to speculate that Mayweather is getting so much attention because he’s an asshole, rather than a good boxer, but that would unfairly ignore his history of domestic violence.
- Dirk Nowitzki scored 22 points as the Mavericks held off the Clippers 96-92, and Mavs owner Mark Cuban ripped the Chris Paul trade, zinging commissioner David Stern by calling it “bad management.” Everyone had a good laugh until this morning, when Cuban woke up to find the bloody head of Rodrigue Beaubois next to him in bed.
- No. 2 Syracuse withstood a late 15-2 run by no. 18 Louisville, scoring the last six points to earn a 52-51 road win. It was Jim Boeheim’s first victory in eight tries against Rick Pitino, which is consistent with previous eyewitness accounts who claim that Pitino never lasts much beyond six or seven.
- Jeff Withey had a double-double (18 points, 11 boards) and Tyshawn Taylor scored 20 points as no. 5 Kansas defeated rival Kansas State 59-53 on the road. Wildcat coach Frank Martin took the loss in stride by doing some deep-breathing exercises, listening to a meditation tape, and beating a lacquered mahogany desk to pulp over 10 rage-filled hours.
- Cuban outfielder Yoenis Cespedes signed a four-year, $36 million deal with the Oakland Athletics. The contract is pending a physical following his raft voyage to the Florida Keys.
- The Mountain West and Conference USA plan to form a new conference that will include 18 to 24 universities. “I want them all,” said Big East commissioner John Marinatto, screaming into his phone on the top floor of the Crappy Sports Skyscraper in Manhattan. “I WANT THEM ALL!”
- Bill Arnold scored a sudden death goal with just 6.4 seconds left in overtime to give Boston College hockey its third straight victory in the Beanpot Tournament. But in a particularly bitter twist for Boston fans, Eli Manning was named the tournament MVP.