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About Last Night: Miami Heats Up

LeBron James In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Dwyane Wade scored 25 points as the Heat took a 2-0 lead on the Knicks with a 104-94 win. After the game, sources report that Amar’e Stoudemire punched the glass casing surrounding a fire extinguisher, suffering lacerations that may keep him out for the rest of the playoffs. The incident reportedly began with the Knicks forward sitting in the locker room muttering crazily to himself: “What stops Heat? To know what stops heat, I must know what makes heat. Heat comes from flames. Flames come from fire. Fire must be extinguished. FIRE MUST BE EXTINGUISHED! AHHHHHHH *sound of shattering glass* AHHHH, MY HAND!” Following the incident, Knicks forward Steve Novak quietly picked up the fire extinguisher, whispered, “He was right — fire must be extinguished,” and went off looking for Burnie, the Heat mascot.
  • Russell Westbrook scored 29 points to help the Thunder squeak out another narrow win over the Mavericks, 102-99, to go up 2-0 in their first-round series. “I’m slowly getting over my irrational fear of Germans,” Westbrook proudly told reporters, before jumping into an equipment closet when someone pranked him by yelling, “Dirk’s coming! And he’s dressed in modernistic black clothing!”
  • The Indiana Pacers recovered from a Game 1 loss to tie their series at 1-1 with a 93-78 win over the Magic. “I have to be honest — I’m torn,” said Dwight Howard. “Both teams are so exciting, I don’t care who wins.” Reporters stood around awkwardly, as none of them had asked Howard which team he was rooting for.
  • In second-round NHL playoff action, the Capitals knotted their series with the Rangers at one game apiece with a 3-2 win, and the Kings trounced the Blues 5-2 to go up 2-0. In order to boost ratings, both games were played on dry ice, and fans seemed to love the smoky look. Oddly enough, they also didn’t seem to hate the fact that the players suffered severe burns and equipment damage.
  • Ryan Braun hit three home runs to lead the Brewers to an 8-3 win over the Padres. In an attempt at physical comedy that fell flat with Padres fans, he stuffed his pants with steroid needles and gradually let them fall out on the base paths during his home run trot.
  • David Ortiz finished a red-hot April with two solo home runs, and the Red Sox moved to .500 on the year with an 11-6 win over the Athletics. Ortiz credited his torrid start to the unseasonably hot weather — a huge mistake, as he was immediately added to the target list of Steve Novak, sitting at home on a milk crate, stroking his fire extinguisher and humming classical music.
  • The NBA suspended Rajon Rondo for Game 2 of the Celtics-Hawks series after he bumped a referee with his chest in Game 1. This is Rondo’s second suspension, following a two-game ban earlier this year for zipping a ball at an official during a game. There was also the night he took Bennett Salvatore out to dinner, only for the official to show up the next day wearing large sunglasses and claiming he “ran into a door.”
  • The Yu Darvish fairy tale continues, with the Japanese star allowing just four hits and one run over seven innings in a 4-1 Rangers win against the Blue Jays. “I guess Yu-phoria is getting pretty crazy,” said Yu through a translator, clearly trying to promote a non-phenomenon. “All I’m hearing is Yu-phoria this, Yu-phoria that. People are saying, ‘wow, it’s so weird that Yu-phoria is bigger than Linsanity.'” He then handed out ‘Yu-phoria’ buttons and T-shirts, and offered a Yu-phoria DVD that seemed to be just two hours of him singing karaoke by himself in front of a green screen.
  • Tigers outfielder Delmon Young was suspended for seven days without pay following his arrest on a hate crime harassment charge. Sources indicate Young will appeal the suspension on the grounds that he had no idea Octavio Dotel was that old.
  • Lakers forward Jordan Hill has been charged with felony assault in a choking case. “Oh my god,” said LeBron James when he heard the news. “They can arrest you for that now?”