In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Tim Duncan scored 26 points and grabbed 10 boards as the Spurs took a 1-0 lead on the Clippers with a painless 108-92 win. Duncan said he was able to focus because he’s finally learned to cope with Blake Griffin, who infuriates him during games by whispering things like, “science is fake,” and “electricity is based on magic.”
- The Pacers took advantage of Chris Bosh’s absence to claw out a 78-75 win over the Heat, leveling their series at 1-1 and taking home-court advantage. Hey, did you know that the nickname “Pacer” comes from a combination of the state’s car racing (“pace car”) and harness racing (“pace horse”) history? Chris Bosh didn’t; he was too busy crying in the sands of South Beach, looking out over the waves and singing Dashboard Confessional. When someone explained the nickname history to LeBron, he scoffed. “I’m not an idiot,” he said. “I don’t believe in horses.”
- Jeff Carter registered a hat trick as the scorching L.A. Kings beat the Coyotes 4-0 to take a 2-0 lead in the Western Conference semis. “It’s been a great run,” said Coyotes coach Dave Tippett, “but I’m starting to question the strategy of fielding a team composed entirely of human smugglers. They play for cheap, but some of them can barely skate, and the tunnels they dig are making the ice really hazardous. Still, at least we didn’t go the Predators route, right? Yikes. Terrible idea. Really creepy team, guys. Really off-putting.”
- Testifying against Roger Clemens, trainer Brian McNamee told the jury that his wife urged him to save needles and cotton swabs from steroid injections he gave Clemens as a means of future protection. “Protection?!” shouted Clemens, standing in his courtroom seat. “He thought he could hold me off with a bunch of cotton?! I’m crazy Roger Clemens!” His lawyer, in damage control mode, scribbled a quick note, which Clemens proceeded to read aloud. “‘You have to stop doing this,'” he read, before looking down in alarm. “Doing what? Steroids? I thought we were going to say I’d never done those before!”
- Kobe Bryant told reporters that he won’t take charges due to the long-term physical toll it takes on the body. “It’s the same reason I won’t go on water slides,” he said, before pausing a moment and admitting that no, the reason he won’t go on water slides is because he’s terrified of water and children and gravity.
- Following ACL surgery on Saturday, doctors estimate that Bulls point guard Derrick Rose will be out from 8-12 months. “Oh no,” said Metta World Peace, when he heard the news. “How much time is that in days? And wait, is Rose even on our team?”
- On a day when reliever David Robertson was placed on the DL, Adam Jones (1 HR) and the Orioles hit CC Sabathia hard en route to beating the Yankees 5-2. The Orioles remain in first place, which is sort of like when a friend’s kid is is a really good singer, or something. At first it’s pretty amusing, then it starts to get annoying, and finally you’re like, “hey, kid, shouldn’t you be in last place in the American League?”, and the kid is all confused and everyone in church asks you to stop yelling during the hymns.
- Zack Greinke extended his scoreless innings streak to 15 with seven innings of shutout ball in an 8-0 Brewers win over the Mets. Later that night, Mets owner Fred Wilpon received a call from a man named Bernie who offered to sell him some runs at a really affordable rate. “I’m definitely interested,” said an enthusiastic Wilpon, who was already reaching for his wallet.
- Brett Lawrie was ejected after a wild rage that saw him accidentally hit umpire Bill Miller with a thrown batting helmet late in a 4-3 Blue Jays loss to the Rays. Look, I hate to keep beating the drum for robot umpires, but the fact is that a robot wouldn’t have felt the pain from getting hit by a helmet. Or if it did, we could program it not to complain. We can program them not to complain about a lot of things, guys. It’s not weird; it’s robotics.