In case you were out grilling in the rain to prove to yourself you could withstand the rigors of living in ancient times, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- The San Antonio Spurs blew a double-digit, fourth-quarter lead, falling to the Phoenix Suns in overtime, 105-101, snapping an 18-game home winning streak. Spurs point guard and noted Frenchman Tony Parker, who was serenaded with MVP chants in the third quarter, said after the game, “How can one be ‘most valuable’ when we are all merely sacks of meat containing hearts that only continue beating out of a fear of change. Hopefully, our late collapse taught the people of San Antonio that lesson, and if it did not, que sera, for they are already dead in the eyes of our already living future selves.” Parker then pulled out a pack of Gauloises, only to find it empty. “Cruel irony, if this does not serve as proof of a merciless God, which it does not, then what could?” Parker then folded the empty pack into a balloon and used it to hover slightly off the ground.
- The New York Knicks took down the Golden State Warriors, 109-105, at Madison Square Garden, overcoming a 54-point effort from Stephen Curry. Curry, who said he “came out to play,” staged the most valiant effort by a Warrior in New York since Swan led his Warriors on a harrowing trip from Van Cortlandt Park in the Bronx to Coney Island. Knicks head coach Mike Woodson, though, gave full credit for his team’s win to Tyson Chandler and his 28 rebounds. “Can you count, suckers?” Woodson asked the assembled press, before bellowing, “The future is ours … can you count to 28 rebounds? Can you dig it? Can you dig it!”
- Penn State scored a major upset, taking down the Michigan Wolverines, 84-78, to secure their first Big Ten win of the season. Michigan fell to 0-4 on the road in February. This makes little sense, given that wolverines are active year-round and do not hibernate. However, wolverines in winter grow thick fur on their feet, designed to help them burrow through snow. Basketball games are rarely played in snow, meaning that wolverines’ natural adaptation serves as an impediment to their success during the toughest stretch of conference play, especially on the defensive end of the floor. Expect Michigan to round back into form come March as their thicker fur is shed, allowing them the agility they need to bring the defensive pressure they were managing earlier in the season.
- Georgetown remained in contention for a top seed in the upcoming NCAA tournament with a 79-78 win over Connecticut in double-overtime. The extended game also taught the Hoyas a valuable lesson: In spite of what coach John Thompson III says, the scoreboard does go up into the 70s, and you are not “put in a penalty chair” if you score that many points. Also, in spite of what Thompson says, the penalty chair is just a regular chair with less padding on it, and not “a mark of shame that will haunt you for generations.”
- The Texas Longhorns surged back from a 22-point, second-half deficit to beat their Red River rival Oklahoma Sooners in overtime, 92-86. You might think this would be a good time to praise Texas head coach Rick Barnes for motivating his men and overcoming long odds in a crucial matchup, but you’d be wrong because it’s actually time for everyone’s third favorite About Last Night recurring feature, in which we remind America that Rick Barnes failed to make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Thus concludes another thrilling edition of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
- Behind a fantastic strike from Dutch winger Arjen Robben, Bayern Munich advanced to the DFB Pokal semifinals with a 1-0 win over defending champions Borussia Dortmund. Munich now stands in great position to win both their league and domestic cup, while simultaneously advancing to the Champions League quarterfinals, which is meaningless for the job prospects of their manager Jupp Heynckes, who verified with team president Uli Hoeness that he’s still fired at the end of the year and that he should stop asking because he’s just making it awkward.
- The Washington Capitals’ improving form was nowhere to be found last night, as they fell to the Flyers, 4-1, in Philadelphia. Also nowhere to be found was any gas in the tank of the Capitals’ team bus. Unfortunately, what was found was unconscious Flyers superfan Gene Fallows lying next to a long rubber tube and a puddle of fuel. Fallows was rushed to Jefferson Hospital, where gallons of gasoline were pumped from his stomach. Upon waking up hours later, Fallows immediately yelled, “Go, Flyers!” at a nurse before asking her if she could “boost him a case of Natty Ice to settle his stomach.”
- Lane Kiffin supported his former USC quarterback Matt Barkley in the run-up to the NFL draft, saying, “If Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, Matt Barkley would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did.” Of course, USC’s defensive coordinator under Kiffin had been his own father, Monte Kiffin, but the younger Kiffin decided to replace his dad with a Golden Retriever puppy named Scruffles, so that it will somehow be more despicable the next time he decides to throw a former coworker under the bus.
- Former San Francisco 49ers first overall pick Alex Smith was traded to the Kansas City Chiefs for a second-round pick in the 2013 NFL Draft and a conditional pick in the 2014 draft, pending the successful completion of a physical exam. Meanwhile, former Oakland Raiders first overall pick JaMarcus Russell was treated by a famed Kansas City roadside chef to a free second dinner and a conditional dessert after he successfully ate a five-pound burger known as the “Heart-Sploder” in under an hour.