In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Kevin Durant’s 34 points and 14 boards led the Oklahoma City Thunder to a 107-99 win over the San Antonio Spurs and an NBA Finals berth. A despondent Tim Duncan began his postgame comments on a melancholic note. “I used to rule the world,” he said. “Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone sweep the streets that I used to own.” He continued in this vein for about two minutes as some reporters began to realize he was quoting a Coldplay song. The rest of them picked up on it when he sprang up for the chorus, ripped off his shirt, and pumped both fists as he sang, “I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing! Roman cavalry choirs are singing!”
- Martin Brodeur made 21 saves as the New Jersey Devils beat the Kings 3-1 to avoid a sweep in the Stanley Cup finals. Kings coach Darryl Sutter kept a brave face, but when he finally got a moment alone, after the game, he broke down weeping and called his wife. “Those decorative brooms I made?” he said. “One for each player? So festive, so vibrant? Burn them. Maybe then I’ll stop dreaming like a stupid little boy. A STUPID LITTLE BOY! A STUPID LITTLE BOY! A STUPID LITTLE BOY!”
- Heat coach Erik Spoelstra said Chris Bosh will play a larger role in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals tonight, and might even start. Bosh then patted Spoelstra on the head. “Isn’t he cute?” he asked. “Spo-Spo, show them how you know state capitals. Show them, Spo-Spo.” Spoelstra initially tried to demur, but Bosh was so insistent that he finally sighed and clasped his hands. “Alabama- Montgomery. Alaska-
AnchorageJuneau ” Bosh nodded aggressively until he got bored around Connecticut and started flicking Spoelstra’s ear.
- Rafa Nadal and David Ferrer advanced to the semifinals of the French Open, as did Maria Sharapova. Experts predict the combined team of Nadal and Ferrer will absolutely destroy Sharapova in the next round. Unfortunately, most experts were busy and we could only get experts in archaeology. And guys, I hate to say this, but I’m not even sure they understand how the French Open works.
- Wei-Yin Chen allowed just one run over seven innings as the Orioles notched their seventh straight win against Boston, 2-1, and remained in first place in the AL East. “I plan to relish this moment,” said O’s manager Buck Showalter, who has been really annoying ever since he became the spokesman for the National Relish Council.
- Despite severe limitations placed on his transfer list by coach Bo Ryan, Wisconsin freshman Jarrod Uthoff will transfer to Iowa. When he heard the news, Ryan vowed that someday, somehow, even if it took years, he would stall Uthoff to death.
- Zack Greinke struck out 12 over seven dominant innings in an 8-0 Brewers win over the Cubs. For the 10th straight game, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts watched GM Theo Epstein scribbling furiously in his box, but this time he ventured over when Epstein left to look at his notes. What he saw disturbed him, but I swore I wouldn’t tell what he saw. OK, fine. It was thousands of pages with the same picture drawn over and over: Theo Epstein seen from the back staring into a mirror, but the image reflected in the mirror was former Reds owner Marge Schott wearing full firefighter gear. (Hey, I told you guys it was disturbing.)
- Jackie Traina’s five-hitter led the Alabama Crimson Tide to a 5-4 win over Oklahoma and the first women’s College World Series title in school history. “Traina? I barely even know her!” wacky Oklahoma coach Stu “McGoo” Renfree said, before turning really dark and pounding his fist on the table. “No. Enough wackiness. My whole life, I’ve been wacky Stu McGoo. No more. I did train her. She knew nothing before she came here. This is my title, and anyone who doesn’t believe it can go to hell.”
- The New York Giants have agreed to a two-year contract extension with coach Tom Coughlin, ensuring that he’ll remain with the team at least until 2014. “I’m just glad I don’t have to get this tattoo of a Giants helmet removed from my buttocks,” Coughlin said. “Ouch, right?!”
- Bartolo Colon’s eight innings of shutout ball helped the A’s beat the Rangers, 2-0. After the game, the pitcher celebrated by spraying everyone with his new fragrance, Bartolo Cologne. It smells, oddly enough, exactly like former Reds owner Marge Schott.