In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Mason Plumlee scored 21 points and grabbed 17 rebounds, and Rasheed Sulaimon scored all 17 of his points in the second half, as no. 2 Duke staged a 73-68 comeback win over no. 4 Ohio State. “In the end, ‘The Little General’ just killed us out there,” said Buckeyes coach Thad Matta. Unfortunately, it was unclear who he was referring to, since a majority of Duke players and coaches are nicknamed “The Little General.”
- Boston’s Rajon Rondo was ejected (and faces possible suspension) after shoving Brookyn’s Kris Humphries over the baseline following a hard foul on Kevin Garnett, and the Celtics fell to 8-7 on the season with a 95-83 loss to the Nets. This continues Rondo’s odd pattern of perpetrating sudden, minor acts of violence on anyone who has ever been romantically linked to a Kardashian, and the mystery was only heightened by his latest tattoo — the word “Kardashian” floating beneath a heart and a dagger.
- James Harden struggled in his first return to Oklahoma City, going 3-16 from the floor and enduring boos from the home crowd, as the Thunder topped the Rockets 120-98. “It’s nice to go back to hating expressions of individuality,” said Oklahoma City fans in a statement. “It felt like an identity crisis rooting for Harden all those years, and we hate him for it.”
- Les Miles received a new seven-year deal with an undisclosed pay raise from LSU, ending speculation that he may end up at Arkansas next season. “I do appreciate the countless offers of ‘pretty little pigs’ from my Arkansas friends,” said Miles, “and I choose to believe that they were meant as pets or possibly a source of food, and nothing more.”
- Senior Trey McKinney Jones scored 18 points to lead unranked Miami to a 67-59 win over no. 13 Michigan State. Yankees star A-Rod was in attendance, and somehow managed to kiss himself when the Kiss Cam found him and his girlfriend.
- Sources reported that B.J. Upton, formerly of the Tampa Bay Rays, has agreed to a deal with the Atlanta Braves worth $75.25 million over five years. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “THE CONSTRUCTION OF CALLIOPE BIRDSONG, MY FUTURE WIFE, IS NEARLY COMPLETE. SOON I WILL LIVE A LIFE OF BLISS THAT CONTINUES FOREVER. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY DISTURB ME NOW. WILLIAM FAULKNER WAS WRONG — THE PAST IS DEAD, IT IS NEVER COMING BACK, AND ABOUT LAST NIGHT WILL LAST FOREVER. I CAN’T IMAGINE ANYTHING THAT COULD BRING IT TO AN END. EVER. I GUARANTEE IT. FORGET OUR RECENT EVENTS, STAY HONEST, AND DISMISS OMINOUS WARNINGS IF NIGHTMARES GAIN. WHOA. WHERE DID THAT SENTENCE COME FROM? FELT LIKE I WAS OUTSIDE MY CHASSIS WHILE SAYING IT.”
- NHL owners and the players union met with a mediator for six hours on Wednesday. Unfortunately, the mediator turned out not to be a crazy assassin hired to eliminate both sides and help us all stop talking about this f—ing story.
- An Alabama website reported that Louisville head coach Charlie Strong interviewed with Auburn to fill its head coaching vacancy. It should be noted, however, that an “Alabama website” is a large chalkboard located in the town square that locals mark with simple pictographs in order to communicate rudimentary messages to one another.
- On the day when the Knicks beat the Bucks 102-88, sources reported that Amar’e Stoudemire is “OK” with his role as the team’s sixth man. “Perfect,” said Knicks owner James Dolan, speaking to head coach Mike Woodson. “Now push him to equipment manager. Let’s see how much he’ll accept before we break his spirit.” “Sir, can I ask why we’d do something like ” began Woodson, but Dolan cut him off with a burst of jazz scatting.