In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday night.
- The Alabama Crimson Tide are national champions. Trent Richardson ran for 96 yards and a touchdown as the Tide beat LSU 21-0 for the BCS title. The LSU offense crossed the 50-yard line just once the entire game, and the experience was so disorienting that quarterback Jordan Jefferson began wildly firing a musket as he shouted about “the savages.”
- Several fans showed up to the BCS title game only to find that their seats had been turned into extra seating for the media. Look, fans, I’m sorry, but it was really important that I have a good seat in order to write that sweet joke you see above. If it makes you feel any better, I mostly played Angry Birds on my phone.
- In the wake of the championship game, BCS officials will meet to discuss possible format changes to the postseason system. As of yesterday, they were leaning toward the controversial “Double Roundelay” proposal, in which teams would be assigned “blowout value” points for priority wins in the first three weeks of the season, after which every victory would take on virtual “personality traits” that would be translated into rankings by a supercomputer using field goals scored, defensive fortitude, and team uniform colors, and then woven into a soft fabric to be tested on at-risk children in China for allergic reactions before a private ceremony in which the national champion is selected at random by a panel of Italian comedians and Les Miles.
- Barry Larkin was the only player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame Monday by the Baseball Writers’ Association of America. “Looks like it’s ‘wait for next year’ all over again,” said a disappointed Bob Costas.
- A source reported that Tim Tebow earned a $250,000 bonus for the Broncos’ playoff victory over the Steelers. “It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven,” Tebow said, “which is why I’ve used the money to purchase a giant $50,000 needle and a $200,000 miniature camel.”
- After an interim period, Romeo Crennel has been named the new head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. Early reports indicate that he’ll also play jazz trumpet for the team band.
Amare StoudamireAmar’e Stoudemire had 25 points and 12 rebounds as the Knicks improved to 5-4 with a 91-87 win over the Bobcats. The Knicks only shot 38 percent from the field, but held a huge advantage as the Bobcats are still awaiting the completion of a charity drive expected to raise enough money to buy everyone real basketball sneakers.
- Sean Kilpatrick’s 27 points off the bench led Cincinnati to a road upset over no. 11 Georgetown, 68-64. The loss makes the Hoyas 0-1-1 on the year against teams who utilize the rare “fisticuffs” defense.
- Barcelona’s Lionel Messi won the Ballon d’Or, FIFA’s player of the year award, for the third straight time. In response, a furious Cristiano Ronaldo vowed to make himself look even more like the villain in a movie about rich people.
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