In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Mark Sanchez finished with five turnovers, including three on the final three possessions, as the Jets lost to the Titans, 14-10, and were eliminated from playoff contention. “So many asses,” said Sanchez ruefully. “Just so many asses out there, getting in the way of good football. This sport used to mean something. Now they just put you out there like a Christian in the lion’s den, attacked by a thousand asses.”
- Jim Boeheim became the third coach in Division I men’s basketball history to reach 900 wins as Syracuse topped Detroit, 72-68. “This is stupid and you people are all ridiculous,” said Boeheim’s expression, for the last 30 years.
- In his first return to Madison Square Garden, Jeremy Lin finished with 22 points and eight assists to lead the Rockets over the Knicks, 109-96, snapping New York’s 10-game home winning streak and earning boos in the process. After the game, Lin received a phone call from Mark Sanchez, and while he appreciated the kind words about how New York fans are always fickle, Lin quickly became uncomfortable when the talk turned to “the plague of asses.”
- Serge Ibaka scored 25 points and grabbed 17 boards as the Thunder beat the Spurs, 107-93, in a rematch of last year’s Western Conference Finals. In a move that’s sure to infuriate David Stern, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich took the game off, allowing San Antonio mayor Billy “Hot Heels” McCracken to assume his duties for the night. McCracken spent almost the entire game throwing his 10-gallon hat to the floor in frustration, and yelling at Tim Duncan to “break out in transition, ya old billy goat!”
- R.A. Dickey reached an agreement with the Blue Jays for a two-year, $25 million deal that will allow the trade between the Jays and the Mets to go through. “Burden reigns in the feast as said before in wisdom to a northern trek if ’twas to bless thy frail constitution for Ontario seasons,” said Dickey, in his patented KnuckleSpeak. “Shall men to whiff for consuming short swings and Jeter may suffer.”
- Butler president James Danko released a statement saying the school will “do what is right” — a clear sign that joining the seven Catholic Big East defectors in a new conference is a possibility. “I’ve been telling you for years that these papists would ruin our league!” shouted Horizon Conference commissioner William Buckley Brown, beneath his life-size portrait of Millard Fillmore.
- A league source told ESPN that Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman will appeal his four-game suspension for a positive PED test this Friday. As per Roger Goodell’s famous 2006 mandate, at least 75 percent of Sherman’s appeal must have a musical element.
- Redskins QB Robert Griffin III’s jersey has sold more units in a single season than any player since stats were first kept six years ago, an NFL spokesperson said. Even so, there’s no way sales surpassed the famous “Galloping Ghost” Red Grange leather helmet craze of 1929, which captivated a nation and led to the largest stock market crash in American history.
- Landscrona, the largest fan club of the Zenit St. Petersburg soccer team, issued a manifesto demanding that the team field only white, non-gay players. According to sources, Liverpool’s Luis Suárez and Chelsea’s John Terry both demanded an immediate transfer to Landscrona, even after officials explained that it was a fan club, not a soccer team.