In case you were busy watching Senator Ted Cruz do his best Eli Manning impression, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- The New Orleans Saints outclassed the previously unbeaten Miami Dolphins in a 38-17 win, sending a message to the rest of the NFL that they are prepared, after a down year, to return to the ranks of the league’s elite. Fortunately we here at ALN got an exclusive leaked copy of the text of that message; here it is in its entirety:
Dear Denver, Seattle, New England, and
San Francisco, um, Kansas City? Sure, why not. Kansas City,
Hey, guys, it’s the Saints. How are you? We feel like we really lost touch with ya’ll last year. And that’s our fault. We hate to lay blame or make excuses, but in this case we really feel we must. So much was going on with us, and our coach, and Roger. It’s always hard when you get hurt by the ones you love, especially when they aren’t being paid to hurt you. But we’ve moved on, and we’d like to think you guys have too. I heard some of you are even still friends with Roger. That’s fine. Seriously, it’s fine. That’s fine. It’s all just fine. Fine. Whatever. You are the company you keep, is what we say down in New Orleans, but do what you must.
Also, we’ve kept up with your exploits in the news: very impressive! What a bunch of athletes you guys all are. Your mothers must be very proud. We’re not just saying that. We expect that your mothers are all very, very proud. Just asking, but have you noticed what we’re up to? We’d like to think you have, though that may just be our vanity speaking. We can be so vain. Also, we saw what happened to the Giants. Poor guys. Someone should send them a gift basket.
Anywho, the purpose of this missive was to reconnect, and to let you guys know we’ll be around, and to say we missed you. We did. So we came back, and now we’re among you. Watching you. We still have Drew, and Sean’s back, and Darren, well, we’re all so proud of Darren. And we’re playing defense again. I know you guys must be excited about that. Did we mention that we’re watching you? Well, we gotta run, seems we’re in demand again, but we can’t wait to come to your homes. We’ll bring the fried oysters, OK? Hugs and smooches. See you soon.
PS: Kansas City, only you know whether or not you should be getting this letter, so if not, please just eat it. Thanks, guys! Luv you.
- David Price threw a complete game and the Tampa Bay Rays won their one-game tiebreaker with the Texas Rangers 5-2 to advance to play Cleveland in a one-game playoff on Wednesday. “I always say take it one game at a time, but this is ridiculous,” Rays manager Joe Maddon said as part of his rollicking postgame press conference, while star third baseman Evan Longoria did a rim shot on a drum set behind him. “But seriously, folks,” Maddon added, as he pulled his microphone off its stand, “can we talk about wild cards for a second? I don’t know about you guys, but I hear wild card, I start picturing the queen of diamonds getting freaky with a one-eyed jack!” Longoria did another rim shot as Maddon soaked in the laughs, before saying, “That’s my time, you guys have been great, let me introduce Rangers manager Ron Washington.” Unfortunately for the warmed-up crowd, Washington’s postgame set proved to be little more than material cribbed from Tim Allen’s 1990 Men Are Pigs special.
- Despite his team’s slow start, New York Giants safety Antrel Rolle is confident in his team’s chances to make the NFL playoffs, saying, “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on.” Unfortunately, Rolle, despite his protests, has been ruled out of the Giants’ upcoming game against the Eagles with what was diagnosed as “shockingly severe head trauma.”
- The Cubs have let go of manager Dale Sveum after he amassed 127-197 record during his two seasons in Chicago. “Now rid of that lodestone Sveum, the once glorious Cubs franchise will regain its rightful place atop the pyramid that is Major League Baseball,” said Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein, whilst wielding a golden staff. “Oh yes, now that Ol’ Failin’ Dale ain’t here at our gum park anymore, I anticipate somewhere between eight and 12 consecutive World Series titles. Then the new commissioner of baseball will declare the Cubs the permachampions of the world, before banishing us from baseball, forcing us to take power by any means possible. And o how terrible our reign shall be.” Epstein then asked, “And who do you think that new commissioner shall be?” before throwing his staff to the ground, and spitting out the name “Dale Fucking Sveum.”
- The Twins have let go of manager Ron Gardenhire after he amassed a 132-192 record during his final two seasons with the wait a second, sorry, the Twins have re-signed Gardenhire to a two-year extension, which will ensure his tenure with the club continues through the 2015 season. When asked why he kept Gardnehire on despite his team’s declining results, Twins general manager Terry Ryan said, “Seriously, field managers don’t matter, and our door sign guy went out of business last year. Figure it’s easier just to keep Gardy on than to find a new manager and a new door sign guy. Who has that type of time?”
- Longtime Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds will reportedly announce that he will step down from his post in August 2014 after more than 30 years at the helm of the program. While some people are interested in the move’s implications on the school’s football program and head coach Mack Brown, you may have guessed that this news has bigger implications over here at ALN. That’s right, it’s time for another episode of everybody’s favorite ALN recurring segment, in which we discuss Rick Barnes not making the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Thus concludes the most recent edition of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” Stay tuned for future episodes featuring blackmail, intrigue, and Rick Barnes still not making the Sweet 16 back when he had Kevin Durant on his team.