In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday. Special “in related news” edition!
- Roger Federer tied Andre Agassi for second on the all-time Grand Slams wins list with a first round victory at the U.S. Open. In related news, USTA officials detained Agassi before the match as he made his way to Federer’s court with a wheelbarrow full of banana peels.
- On the women’s side, Wimbledon champion Petra Kvitova was the highest seed to lose in the opening round. In related news, even Petra Kvitova was surprised to learn that she had won Wimbledon this year.
- In a sloppy preseason game full of penalties and one fight, the Jets beat the Giants 17-3, and Rex Ryan was presented with a bronzed Snoopy trophy for winning the clash of New York teams. In related news, Ryan wondered aloud in the postgame press conference why more trophies weren’t made of chocolate. Three of his teeth were chipped.
- Wilson Chandler has signed to play with a Chinese professional team, the Zhejian Guangsha. In related news, Chandler’s workout regimen was amended to include ‘breaking into the Georgetown gym and fighting anyone in sight.’
- Hope Solo and Ron Artest will be featured in the next installment of “Dancing with the Stars.” In related news, Artest’s formal petition to include ‘lap’ among the dance styles explored was rejected.
- Daniel Hudson’s seven shutout innings gave the Diamondbacks their 7th straight win, 5-1 over the Rockies. In related news, Colorado is removing the snow-capped mountain from its logo and replacing it with an image of a fat duck that quacks the words “we’re trying our best!”
- The best performance of the night goes to Randy Wells, who pitched a complete game 2-hitter in the Cubs’ 7-0 win over the Giants. In related news, Democrats in congress have introduced a public welfare bill that would allow the Giants to start every inning with a runner on first.
- In his return from the 15-day DL, Cole Hamels gave up just two hits in six innings as the Phillies topped the Reds 3-2. In related news, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was stewing that everyone laughed when the colorful ‘welcome back’ banner he made for Hamels was used by Ryan Howard in a lewd ribbon dance.
- On the eve of their series in Boston, the Yankees salvaged a split with the Orioles behind Nick Swisher’s 2-run homer. In related news, the ball reported that it left the park not so much because of the solid contact, but because Swisher never shuts up.
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