In case you were busy being the guy who started icing bros again, much to the chagrin of everyone who knows you, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- James Harden and the Houston Rockets gave the Thunder their best shot, overcoming a 15-point, fourth-quarter deficit, but Oklahoma City held on late to win, 105-102, to take a 2-0 series lead. When asked how he and his team would recover from the defeat, Harden said, “Oh, we won’t. It’s over.” When asked if he was serious, Harden replied, “Have you seen Kevin Durant play basketball? I mean, playing with him, you know he’s good, but playing against him? No, no, this is done.” When asked again if he was serious, Harden replied, “Yes, I’m dead serious. We might not even go back to Houston. We’re just going to pack it in.” When asked again if he was serious, Harden shook his head. Then he nodded. Then he shook his head again. Then he shrugged.
- Tony Parker had 28 points to lead the San Antonio Spurs over the Los Angeles Lakers, 102-91. “We are ahead by two games,” Parker, a noted French person, said after the game, twitching visibly. “But I do not care an iota. The degree to which I care is so infinitesimal as to be not a thing at all, as my very existence has been laid bare by a new team policy banning smoking during the postseason. What is it to make policy anyway? To say, ‘I know a thing and you must behave thusly.’ How much false arrogance must live in the mind of a man who believes he knows a thing? When the mind is mere electricity that wants wants it wants a smoke so bad, I just want one drag, just one, just please one drag. Oh, I am no more than a dog!” Parker then let out a cry of lamentation before closing his eyes and willing a Gauloises into existence between his fingers. He then added with a wink, “One cannot know of policies if one cannot know, yes?”
- Grizzlies center Marc Gasol won the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award. When told of the honor, Gasol responded, “I’m not being defensive; you’re being defensive. And if I am being defensive, it’s because everyone’s always attacking me all the time. So you can’t just blame me for other people not scoring. That’s on them for coming right at me.”
- Paul George and the Indiana Pacers rolled past the Atlanta Hawks, 113-98, at Bankers Life Fieldhouse to take a 2-0 lead in their playoff series. “It’s really tough to play in Indy these days,” Hawks point guard Devin Harris explained after the loss. “I mean, first you show up at Bankers Life Fieldhouse at 8 a.m. wearing a hideous blue polo shirt. Then you spend all day helping people out with stuff they could do online, meaning the people you are helping are people who can’t figure out the Internet. All the while, you’re terrified someone is going to come in and rob you. Then you finally get off work, and boom, you have to play a basketball game. Then you go home, and your kids are already asleep, and dinner’s in the fridge, and you’re too tired to nuke it, so you’re eating cold meatloaf, remembering the dreams you had as a kid, and all you can think is, ‘I’ve let myself down.’ And you fantasize about going back to school, and becoming an architect or a veterinarian, but you can’t afford to take that sort of risk, not with two kids and a third on the way. So you fantasize about running away. Leaving it all behind. But you’re too tired to run. So you climb into bed next to your wife, who mutters something about her morning sickness, but you don’t hear it. Or if you do, it doesn’t register. And before you’ve kissed her goodnight, you’re both out cold. I mean, that’s a hell of a home-court advantage.”
- Jordany Valdespin’s 10th-inning grand slam powered the New York Mets to a 7-3 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers. When asked if this was better than the best day on the set of That ’70s Show, a confused Valdespin responded, “I have no idea what you’re talking about; next question.” When another reporter followed up by asking him for his favorite Yo Mama joke, Valdespin said, “Um, I don’t know any. Oh, I guess I know the one about sitting around the house. Why would you ask me that?”
- Although a ninth-inning Brandon Crawford home run forced extra innings, a Wil Nieves sacrifice fly gave the Arizona Diamondbacks a 10-inning, 3-2 win over the San Francisco Giants. Reigning MVP catcher Buster Posey was held out of the starting lineup with a nagging case of hurt feelings after an Arizona fan called him “Busty Poseur” during batting practice. “Why would someone mess around with names like that?” a visibly shaken Posey asked after the game. “The world is a cruel, cruel place.”
- Robert Lewandowski scored four goals, as Borussia Dortmund throttled Real Madrid, 4-1, at the Westfalenstadion in their UEFA Champions League semifinal match. “We were just outclassed out there, and I blame myself,” Madrid winger Cristiano Ronaldo said after the match. “I mean, did you see Marco Reus’s hair? It was spectacular. Blonde in all the right places. Gelled just so. I have to look in the mirror and ask myself if I want this badly enough.”
- The Chicago Blackhawks clinched the Presidents’ Trophy for having the best regular-season point total in the NHL with a 4-1 win over the Edmonton Oilers. “I thought I was going to get out of it for a year, what with the strike and all,” President Barack Obama said from the White House Metal Shop, where he was hard at work fogging the trophy. “I’m really not very good at this. No one’s made a decent one since Carter. You’d think I could just endorse it, but no. Stupid third section of the 22nd Amendment.”