In case you were out doing some very last-minute ballot-box stuffing for the People’s Choice Awards, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Kansas avoided an upset in their Big-12 opener beating Iowa State, 97-89, in overtime, as freshman sensation Ben McLemore banked in a game-tying 3-pointer at the end of regulation. “When it left my hand, I actually kind of called ‘bank,'” said McLemore in his postgame interview, using the same rhetorical technique he did in ninth grade when he failed to convince his friends that he “actually kind of got to second base” with his sleepaway camp girlfriend, Mindy Williams.
- New Mexico edged out UNLV, 65-60, at home in a matchup of ranked Mountain West foes. “I heard that the Pit was a tough place to play, but, man, I don’t see how they can get away with that,” complained UNLV freshman Anthony Bennett. “That court was just concrete, and like 30 feet deep, and there were no fans or hoops or anything. It was just, like, a bunch of snakes. I don’t know how they came up with that final score, but I’m surprised we kept it that close. I’m terrified of snakes. Unless, maybe my terror scored points? The game we were playing certainly wasn’t basketball. All I’m saying is that this better not affect our seeding come tournament time.”
The BBWAA announced its annual Hall of Fame balloting results, and I can only assume congratulations are in order for two of the greatest players in Houston Astros history, Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell. They deserve all the recognition in the world for having great careers while avoiding direct implication in baseball’s steroids scandal. Now I’m gonna go look and see who else was inducted. After all, the most talented all-around player of all-time, the greatest offensive catcher of all-time, one of the most dominant pitchers of all-time, two renowned postseason pitchers with illustrious careers, the greatest designated hitter of all-time, the second greatest leadoff hitter of all-time, and owners of the top six single-season home run totals of all-time were all nominated, so probably hold on, just firing up the old browser here and
- TThe BBWAA announced its annual Hall of Fame balloting results, and congratulations are in order to Rondell White for getting exactly as into the Hall of Fame this year as Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Mike Piazza, Roger Clemens, Curt Schilling, Jack Morris, Edgar Martinez, Tim Raines, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Great job, Rondell!
- The Milwaukee Bucks topped the Chicago Bulls, 104-96, in a battle of teams that have fired hard-nosed coach Scott Skiles. The game was played in a reactionary soft-nosed style, as players from both teams agreed to make the third quarter a slumber-party quarter, during which the players all brought their sleeping bags onto the court and giggled about how much trouble they would’ve been in if nasty old Coach Skiles were still around.
- The Los Angeles Lakers lost to the San Antonio Spurs, 108-105, as their fourth-quarter comeback fell just short, leaving L.A. five games under .500. Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni was incredulous after the game. “We have some of the most talented players in the world, and we’ve tried everything from a tactical perspective except playing defense, and still nothing is working,” D’Antoni said. “It makes no sense, and I will stop at literally nothing, except for coaching my players to defend, in order to figure out what’s wrong.”
- It has been reported that the Maloof brothers are in negotiations to sell the Sacramento Kings to an ownership group who intends to move the team to Seattle. Kings center DeMarcus Cousins expressed his excitement with the potential move. “Oh, Boogie is ready for Seattle,” said Cousins, before being reminded by teammate John Salmons that even though marijuana is now legal in Washington state, it’s still banned under the NBA collective-bargaining agreement. Cousins responded, “That wasn’t what I was talking about, Multiple Fish,” before asking his other teammates if he could borrow some pee.
- Carmelo Anthony has been suspended one game for his confrontation with Kevin Garnett after Tuesday’s Knicks-Celtics game. NBA executive vice president of basketball operations Stu Jackson said he hoped Anthony would take the time off to reflect on the incident so that nothing like that would happen again. “Oh, I’ve been reflecting,” Anthony said, taking a break from doing pull-ups while building a hatred in his heart so deep that no love can vanquish it, “and I can assure Mr. Jackson the next incident will be very dissimilar from that last one.” “Oh, that’s great news,” said Jackson, before patting himself on the back for his savvy use of discipline.
- The Philadelphia Eagles interviewed Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly as they continue to try to fill their vacant head coach position. “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t someone want to coach in Philadelphia?” asked Eagles GM Howie Roseman before dismissing his food taster and retiring to his panic room for the evening.
- Swansea topped Chelsea, 2-0, in the first leg of their League Cup semi-final, with Fernando Torres’s poor performance in front of goal once again at the root of a disappointing Chelsea loss. “This time I have a good excuse,” Torres explained after the match, “as I cannot beat the swans, for I am of the swans.” He then pulled out a hand mirror and cooed “pretty bird” to his reflection.