In case you were busy squeezing in one last fantasy draft so that you could ironically take Mark Sanchez in the second round, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Jon Lester outdueled Max Scherzer, as the Red Sox beat the Tigers 2-1, denying Scherzer his 20th win. “I failed myself, I failed my family, and I failed my teammates,” Scherzer said after the game, in which he held the best offense in baseball to two runs in seven innings while striking out eight. “Why didn’t I pitch to the game score! I never would have allowed that two-RBI single had I just been pitching situationally!”
- Serena Williams entered the semifinals of the U.S. Open in dominant form, after routing 18th-seeded Carla Suarez Navarro of Spain 6-0, 6-0. When asked if anyone in the field could even take a set off of her, a humble Serena responded, “On any day any of these women could beat me over three sets.” When asked if any of them could beat her on a specific day, Williams shrugged and said, “Well, no. Maybe if the psychological impact of a really moving David Foster Wallace profile hit me? But he’s dead, so, um, no.”
- Men’s top seed Novak Djokovic was almost as dominant as Williams, dispatching Marcel Granollers in straight sets 6-3, 6-0, 6-0. “I totally blew it,” Djokovic said after the match, “Serena and I had been talking about the perfect day for weeks, and she said quarters and I wrote that down, and I just didn’t check my planner until the break between the first and second sets. And by then it was too late.” Djokovic then slapped his forehead, and said, “What a putz I am!” while Granollers wiped a tear off his cheek in the back of the room.
- Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers defended his leadership style after being criticized by former teammates Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, saying, “I feel like I’m going to continue to lead the way I’ve been leading, and I think guys respond very positively to that and appreciate my style of leadership.” Rodgers then turned to his team, which was on their knees groveling behind him, and bellowed, “and if any of you motherfuckers have something to say to me, say it now or I will gut you all like the fish-maggots you are!” Rodgers then pulled out two scimitars and yelled, “Now run, you fools, you childish, childish fools, for I am King Rodgers and there shall be no god before me!” When he was satisfied by his team’s response to his threats, Rodgers turned back to the interviewer and calmly added, “There’s a reason I’m on the leadership council. There’s a reason I’m voted a captain. I stand by those things, and you learn all the time about leadership.”
- Travis Snider’s ninth-inning home run proved decisive in the Pittsburgh Pirates’ 4-3 win over Milwaukee, which guaranteed the team their first winning season in 20 years. Immediately after the game however, “Next Episode,” by Dr. Dre started playing over the Milwaukee PA system. “Hey, is that Barry Bonds’s music?” current Pirates manager Clint Hurdle asked starting pitcher Gerrit Cole in the dugout. Sure enough, it was. Bonds came charging out from the bullpen as boos rained down from the crowd, before shoving home plate umpire James Hoye to the ground and grabbing the mic that had been used for the pregame national anthem. “Ever since I left this team, they always found a way to lose. Because without me the Pittsburgh Pirates are losers. And I still think they’re gonna blow it again,” Bonds yelled to the confused crowd, before picking up a folding chair and hitting current Pirates star Andrew McCutchen on the back while Hoye wasn’t looking. Fortunately, as Bonds was strutting around, new Pirate Marlon Byrd climbed the netting behind home plate before delivering his signature Byrd Wing Flying Elbow to Bonds, knocking him out and securing the win for Pittsburgh.
- Homer Bailey allowed only three base runners over seven shutout innings as the Cincinnati Reds grabbed a crucial 1-0 win over the St. Louis Cardinals. Reds rookie Billy Hamilton also starred, scoring the winning run after stealing second base as a pinch runner in the seventh inning in his major league debut, despite the presence of Gold Glove winner Yadier Molina behind the plate. Molina was dejected after the game, saying, “The kid’s good. Fast. Real fast. I just — I just feel like maybe when I was younger, I woulda still gunned him down.” Molina then downed a shot of whiskey and put on a cowboy hat, before adding, “In this game, you’re either the fastest gun, or you mosey on out of town.” Molina was later seen yelling at a Ford Mustang in an ill-advised attempt to “break a new steed” so he could move on to greener pastures.
- LeBron James has signed on with Starz to produce a new show based partly on his life called Survivor’s Remorse, which will be a look into the lives of two men who went from the streets to fame and success. Now I don’t know about you, but do we really think that James can get a show attention from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences at Starz? I mean, I see him struggling in development there for a half-dozen years before finally teaming up with some producing talent worthy of a Hollywood player of his stature, maybe a David Chase or an Aaron Sorkin, and taking his talents to HBO, where he’ll produce not one, not two, not three, but five or six Emmy-winning shows. Because when you’re talking about someone like James, you have to be grading them based on statues, not ratings or development deals. Statues.
- The Houston Texans locked up star linebacker Brian Cushing with a $55 million deal, including $21 million in guaranteed money. Cushing seemed relieved to complete the negotiations, saying, “I was hoping to team up with my old college teammate Clay Matthews and wreak havoc at some point in our careers, but … ” Cushing looked over both of his shoulders before saying, “things have gotten pretty scary for Clay. I have to be quiet; A-Rodge has eyes everywhere, and if he were to hear that I knew about what was happening at Lambeau … well, I perish to think what would happen to Clay. This is all off the record, right? Right?”