In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Detroit’s Austin Jackson got the first walk-off hit of the season, an RBI single in the ninth as the Tigers beat the Red Sox 3-2. “Wait a second,” slurred inactive Boston pitcher Josh Beckett, staggering out of the dugout to confront the umpire. “Thassa endofa game? Wha inning isst?” Luckily, he stumbled and fell before he could reach home plate, where he spent the next 20 minutes mumbling “you think you’re better’n me?” to a piece of grass.
- J.P Arencibia hit a three-run homer in the 16th inning as the Blue Jays beat the Indians 7-4 in the longest season opener in MLB history. The few thousand fans who stayed for the entire game — again, between the Blue Jays and Indians — remain quarantined inside Cleveland’s Progressive Field this morning as experts check for signs of contagious insanity.
- Roy Halladay gave up two hits over eight scoreless innings as the Phillies beat the Pirates 1-0. A.J. Burnett, Halladay’s former teammate who now plays for Pittsburgh, congratulated him after the game and asked whether he wanted to hit the trailer scene like old times and see how the gasoline was smelling. “No man,” said Halladay, “I don’t. And I never did back in Toronto, either. Also, you’re not really supposed to be in our locker room.”
- Arkansas put head football coach Bobby Petrino on administrative leave just hours after the athletic director learned that Petrino had been riding with a 25-year-old woman university employee with whom he shared an “inappropriate relationship” when he crashed his motorcycle last weekend. No word yet on the exact details of the “inappropriate relationship,” so we have to assume that Petrino is involved in a crazy motorcycle sex cult and can no longer get an erection unless he’s traveling over 100 mph. As journalists, we have to assume it.
- Lee Westwood leads the Masters field at 5-under after day one, while Tiger Woods finished at even par for his round. Outside the player’s clubhouse after the round, Tiger Woods could be seen wearing a motorcycle helmet and speaking on a cell phone. “Brother Bobby had an accident,” he said into the phone, before glaring at reporters suspiciously and walking away.
- Luke Donald was nearly disqualified from the Masters after a “5” he wrote for the third hole was read as a “3” by tournament officials due to a smudged fax. Disaster was averted when officials at Augusta spotted the mistake and communicated it over teletype just in time to keep the Pinkertons from sending Donald on the first wagon to the territories.
- Audio has been released that reveals former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams encouraging his players to hurt their opponents before a playoff game against the 49ers. In the recording, he tells them to go after Kyle Williams’ concussed head and Michael Crabtree’s ACL, and then spends a bizarre half hour warning them to avoid Alex Smith because he sold his soul to the devil and his skin burns to the touch.
- Syracuse freshman center Fab Melo declared for the NBA draft, while UNC’s James Michael McAdoo has decided to stay for his sophomore season. “Looks like I’m more charming than you, ole buddy,” Roy Williams joked to Jim Boeheim. “What’s charm?” Boeheim asked. “Also, what’s a ‘buddy’?”
- The Eastern Conference-leading Chicago Bulls ended their first two-game losing streak of the season with a 93-86 win over the Celtics. I can’t think of a joke for this entry, so instead of that I’m introducing a new feature: ’60s Song of the Week. In honor of the Bulls’ colors and the Celtics logo, this week’s tune is “Crimson and Clover” by Tommy James and the Shondells.
- Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy said that he believes that Dwight Howard wants him fired. “Sorry,” said Howard, “but I just can’t trust a man who slept for 20 years and came back to life.” When he heard the comment, Van Gundy was furious. “I’m NOT Rip Van Winkle!” he yelled. “How many f*#$ing times do I have to tell you, I’m not Rip Van f*#$ing Winkle!”
It’s Friday, which means it’s time for the next round of Readers’ Revenge. That link has all the details you need, but the gist is that you send me your stories on a weekly topic, and on Monday the top ten list goes up in the blog. This week’s topic is Your Worst Job Interview. I’ve gotten some great ones already, but the no. 1 spot is still very much up for grabs. Were you the interviewer? Interviewee? Heard a good one from a friend? Stories can be anonymous if necessary; send them along to tobaccordblues@gmail.com by Sunday morning for a chance to make the list.