In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings won their third-straight gold medal in beach volleyball, beating fellow Americans April Ross and Jen Kessy in two sets. “And with that, it’s time to hang up the ole bikini,” said May-Treanor, who plans to retire from the sport. “Figuratively,” she clarified, when a crowd of men quickly rushed over. “Jesus, it’s an expression.”
- After finishing second in the 200 meters in 2004 and 2008, Allyson Felix finally won a gold medal with a stellar sprint in London. Her persevering spirit and ultimate success were so inspiring that old-timey pitcher Jamie Moyer put on his old football helmet and went out to the backyard to throw some passes through a swinging tire.
- In other Olympic action, Americans Aries Merritt (110-meter hurdles) and Brittney Reese (long jump) both won gold medals. To clear up any confusion among About Last Night’s large Roman fan base, Aries Merritt is the athlete you all know as “Mars Merritt.”
- Ryan Vogelsong allowed just three hits through seven scoreless innings as the Giants shut out the Cardinals 15-0. Translated from the German, Vogelsong means “birdsong,” which is pretty ironic considering that he just beat a team with a bird nickname. And I know what you guys are thinking- whoa, Shane, you looked up the translation of his last name? You must be some kind of stalker. To which I say, you should be really careful about using words with negative connotation just because I like someone a lot and want to read their mail.
- New Seahawks receiver Terrell Owens told reporters he has changed, and no longer wants to be the center of attention. At least they think it was Terrell Owens; it was difficult to tell through the layers of gold body paint and glitter he had plastered all over his face and naked torso.
- Jose Reyes extended his hitting streak to 26 games, and Giancarlo Stanton’s two home runs led the Marlins past the Mets 13-0. “Reyes chasing DiMaggio’s record is just the kind of publicity this franchise needs!” said Omar Minaya, who doesn’t seem to realize that Reyes now plays for the Marlins or that he himself is no longer employed as the Mets GM.
- Kobe Bryant hit six three pointers in the second half as the United States breezed past Australia in the quarterfinals 119-86. Afterward, rookie Anthony Davis expressed disappointment that the Australians’ shots didn’t go through the net counter-clockwise like the other players had led him to believe.
- Curtis Granderson snapped out of his slump with a home run and four RBI as the Yankees beat the Tigers 12-8. When asked how he finally broke through, Granderson would only say, “never do hypnosis. That shit is real.”
- Steve Johnson struck out nine batters in his first major league start as the Orioles completed a sweep of the Mariners with a 9-2 win. MLB commissioner Bud Selig ruled that an asterisk should be placed next to Johnson’s game, referring to this officially worded disclaimer: “Sort of. It was sort of his first game. It was against the Mariners, so … you know. Let’s not get carried away with Johnson-mania quite yet. I mean, I don’t know when you’re reading this asterisk, since they last forever and it could be like 900 years in the future, but if you lived in 2012 and you heard me say ‘it was against the Mariners,’ you’d get it. They can’t hit, is what I’m getting at. And Justin Smoak smells like powder all the time. Really weird. Thanks for reading. Signed, Bud Selig, or as they used to call me in 2012, ‘Awesome Bud the Cool Commish.'”