In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports last night.
- Despite being outplayed for most of the game, Michigan took advantage of several Virginia Tech errors to win the Sugar Bowl 23-20 in overtime. Michigan administrators were disappointed to learn that they wouldn’t receive an actual bowl of sugar for the win, since they thought it might attract some of the flies away from the lingering stench of Rich Rodriguez.
- A wild game at the Kohl Center ended when Ryan Evans’ game-tying three-pointer was disallowed on review, and Michigan State topped Wisconsin 63-60 in overtime. The controversy stemmed from the fact that two clocks were off by .2 seconds, and while Evans’ shot was good by a side clock, it was no good by the official clock. After the game, Wisconsin officials admitted that the discrepancy may have been due to the fact that they still use the old clocks from Salvador Dali’s The Persistence of Memory.
- For the first time in more than a decade, Seton Hall beat UConn. Jordan Theodore’s 19 points led the Pirates to a shocking 75-63 win over the no. 8 Huskies. The win was even more remarkable when you consider that Jordan Theodore is a brand of stuffed bear for children ages 3-5.
- Kobe Bryant scored 37 points and Andrew Bynum had 21 points and 22 rebounds as the Lakers moved above .500 with a 108-99 win over the Rockets. I wonder if anybody was like, “Hey, Kobe, nice job scoring a point for every year of your life!” He seems like the kind of dude who would appreciate a good-natured jibe. Anyone got his cell number?
- Thirty points and seven assists from Derrick Rose was enough to lift the Bulls over the Hawks 76-74. Did you guys know that in North America, the word “hawk” is generally used to refer to a falcon, which is another Atlanta sports mascot? It’s true — I just looked it up on Wikipedia since I didn’t have a joke for this game. And anyway, hawk facts are the new humor. I read it in Elle.
- Despite a disappointing
7-98-8 season, the Chargers have decided not to fire head coach Norv Turner. Oddly, the announcement was made by three team executives from inside the hull of a canoe, which they were trying to row on dry land.
- Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie says head coach Andy Reid will return next season. “To McDonald’s!” he added, with a shout. After holding for laughs, he composed himself. “Seriously, though, he’ll be coaching our team again. And he’s very fat.”
- The Chicago Bears have rid themselves of offensive coordinator Mike Martz and GM Jerry Angelo. “Looks like the ole Martz & Angelo show is hitting the road again,” Martz told reporters. “The ol’ team.” Angelo tried to make it clear that they weren’t a package deal and weren’t even really friends, but Martz kept interrupting with, “olllllllle Martz & Angelo, back out on the lonesome dusty trail.”
- Boise State agreed to terms with head coach Chris
PetersonPetersen on a deal that will pay him approximately $2 million per year for the next five seasons. Petersen told reporters that the money wasn’t important to him. “Knowing me, I’ll probably just spend it on more blue paint,” he said.
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