In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Roy Halladay pitched a six-hit complete game shutout, and the Phillies became the first team to clinch a playoff spot with a 1-0 win over the Astros. The Phillies chose not to celebrate with bottles of champagne, but each member of the Astros, as usual, celebrated with a wine glass of their own tears.
- Prince Fielder said in an interview with TBS that this would probably be his last year with the Milwaukee Brewers. “Unless they fork over the dough,” he added. When asked how much money it would take, Fielder appeared upset. “No, man, not money. Dough. I want dough!”
- In his first practice since suffering a hamstring injury, Texans running back Arian Foster received a ‘positive review‘ from head coach Gary Kubiak. “Though the mere act of running can seem a bit mannered and predictable for a man off the field,” Kubiak said, “Foster manages to transcend the cliche and elevate the simple act into high art. A delightful synthesis of brute physicality and elegant motion!”
- An Ohio State booster named Robert DiGeronimo took full blame for payments distributed to three players in February. “Nice try Tressel,” said the NCAA. “But next time pick a name that doesn’t sound completely made up. And buy a mustache that won’t fall off.”
- The playoffs hopes of the Rays took another huge hit as they lost their second straight game to the Orioles. The 6-2 defeat was especially bitter since it came against Jeremy Guthrie, the pitcher with the most losses in baseball. Making matters even worse was the fact that Guthrie, confused about the rules, threw several pitches directly into his own dugout.
- The Yankees were unable to extend their AL East lead after a Luis Rodriguez walk-off home run gave the Mariners a 2-1, 12th inning victory. Mariano Rivera’s record-tying 601st save was put on hold, and you know what? I’ll believe that record when I see it. I’ve been waiting since 1995, and I’m starting to think it’s just another broken promise, like Jeter’s 3,000th hit.
- Charles Woodson will be fined $10,000 for throwing a punch at Saints tight end David Thomas last weekend. Woodson said he was frustrated because Thomas was “holding me a little longer than I wanted.” Thomas’ girlfriend immediately agreed. “I know!” she said. “He’s so clingy!”
- Alex Avila’s game-tying home run in the ninth capped a three-run rally, and the Tigers went on to beat the White Sox 6-5 in 10 innings. It’s the 12th win in a row for the Tigers, a feat they last accomplished in 1934. “Never thought I’d live to see it again!” said an overjoyed manager Jim Leyland, who was in his tenth year of managing back then. “Whoopety hoop!”
- A grand slam by Josh Hamilton helped the Rangers beat Cleveland 9-1 and remain three games up in the AL West. Apologies to all readers, but I’m now conserving one joke a day in case I ever go on vacation. The really great Josh Hamilton joke that was meant to go in this space, which I can sincerely say is the best joke ever written by anyone, will run at a later date. Here’s the teaser: it’s about frogs. Weird, right? I bet you can’t see the connection. But it’s true, it’s a joke with frogs and Josh Hamilton. Man, I’m laughing just thinking about it. You would be too. Believe me.
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