In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- With a silver medal in the 200-meter butterfly and a gold in the 4×200 freestyle relay, Michael Phelps now owns 19 Olympic medals, surpassing Soviet gymnast Larissa Latynina for the most medals of all time. When reached for comment via telephone, the 77-year-old Latynina couldn’t be heard over my loud shouts of, “COLD WAR OVER! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
- American swimmer Allison Schmitt won her third medal in London, and her first-ever gold, with a dominant, Olympic record performance in the 200-meter freestyle. She then enjoyed an awkward hot tub bath with a naked Kathy Bates. Hold on … am I thinking of Allison Schmitt, or the movie About Schmidt? It’s definitely one or the other …
- It’s official — Penn State running back Silas Redd has left the program and will transfer to USC. Immediately after the news became public, thousands of Penn State supporters announced their intention to pretend it never happened and proceed as if Redd were still on the team, no matter how much compelling evidence emerges that he definitely plays for USC now.
- A.J. Burnett took a no-hit bid into the 8th inning, and the Pirates beat the Cubs 5-0 on the day Ryan Dempster was traded from Chicago to Texas. In related news, thousands of Cubs fans signed up as volunteers for potentially risky medical experiments last night, all of them telling nurses to “just let whatever happens happen” when asked for an emergency contact.
- In other MLB trade deadline action, the Phillies dealt Hunter Pence to the Giants and unloaded Shane Victorino to the Dodgers. “We like to think of this not as giving up,” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr., “but rather giving in.” He let the words sink in for a moment before muttering, “son of a bitch, I have the worst speechwriters.”
- Cliff Lee threw seven shutout innings and Jimmy Rollins hit an inside-the-park home run as the Phillies beat Stephen Strasburg and the Nationals 8-0. “Talk about a Cliff-Hanger!” said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. “This was Mr. Rollins’ Opus!” He let the words sink in for a moment before sighing in total resignation as his main speechwriter gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up.
- The triumphant Tunisian national basketball team beat a 55-point spread and followed up their African championship with a stunning 110-63 loss to the United States. Makram Ben Romdhane scored 22 for the Tunisians, who anxiously watched the scoreboard as the time wound down, realizing they were about to pull off an Olympic miracle.
- Notre Dame suspended quarterback Tommy Reese for the season opener against Navy in Dublin, Ireland, after he was arrested in May for drunkenly resisting arrest and knocking the wind out of a cop. Which is good, because if there are two places where drinking and fighting are not tolerated, it’s Ireland and the Navy.
- The Yankees activated Joba Chamberlain from the DL after an offseason trampoline accident, but it wasn’t enough to slow a mounting losing streak, as they dropped their fourth straight in an 11-5 loss to Chris Davis (grand slam) and the Baltimore Orioles. After the game, Yankee first baseman Mark Teixeira walked by Chamberlain’s locker and saw a miniature trampoline stored on its side. “What the hell, Joba?!” he asked. Chamberlain initially reacted angrily, but soon broke down in tears. “I need help,” he sobbed. “I can’t stop bouncing. I know it’s bad for me, but it makes me forget myself.”