In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- According to sources, the Indianapolis Colts will release Peyton Manning after 14 years of service. Team owner Jim Irsay informed Manning of the decision on Monday night, after which the two flew together to Indianapolis, where they’ll announce the news at a press conference later today. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” said Manning, “because then I’d have to touch my head to wipe the tears away, and that is so, so painful. Wait, why are you don’t write that down. I’m fine. I’m good to play football.”
- Three more teams punched their tickets to the Big Dance, as Detroit, South Dakota State, and Western Kentucky won their conference tournaments. And while those parts of the country may seem pretty different on the surface, they have more in common that you might think. Mostly methamphetamine, but hey, it’s something.
- Harvard also clinched a tournament berth, the team’s first since 1946, by winning the Ivy League’s regular-season title. The student body celebrated the achievement by presenting a petition to the school president to fire head coach Tommy Amaker for not including any Pacific Islanders, an underrepresented minority group, on his roster.
- LeBron James scored 21 points and grabbed nine boards as the Heat routed the Nets 108-78. Dwyane Wade twisted his right ankle, but appeared to be OK after the game. “It was sort of a pity sprain,” he whispered after the game, before seeing a group of Nets players and shouting, “Great try, guys! You’re getting a lot better!”
- Saints coach Sean
PeytonPayton and GM Mickey Loomis apologized for the bounty system that was run under their watch. To demonstrate how serious they were about rectifying the problem, they offered $10,000 for anyone who could bring them the responsible parties, alive or dead.
- Mark Cuban gave Lamar Odom his full support, despite the fact that the Mavericks forward has missed several games due to an unspecified personal issue. Is it me, or does it sound suspiciously like Odom is carrying Cuban’s child? I’M JUST ASKING, FOLKS!
- Lakers coach Mike Brown said that Kobe Bryant should be considered for league MVP. “I think it’s hilarious that he’s not,” said Brown, pointing out that Bryant has had to endure injuries and changes to his team, yet still leads the league in scoring. When reached for comment, Bryant returned the compliment, saying that Brown was one of his top assistants and will one day make a great head coach.
- The Sacramento City Council approved a plan to help finance a new $391 million basketball arena, meaning the Kings will stay in the city. “Hooray!” said the people of Sacramento, as they chewed on strips of boiled leather, or whatever the hell people in Sacramento do.
- In a clash of top-five teams, no. 3 UConn beat no. 4 Notre Dame 63-54 for the women’s Big East tournament title. As usual, the Lady Irish showed a promising start, only to falter near the end when they married young and refused to use birth control.