In case you were busy becoming an expert on the recovery period for hip surgeries, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The Red Sox bolstered their rotation before the trade deadline, acquiring former Cy Young winner Jake Peavy from the Chicago White Sox in a three-team deal. When asked if he was worried about the pressure of playing in Boston, Peavy responded gravely, “Yes. Terrified. Everything changes. I’ve spent the last couple of hours weeping into this bucket. Look at it!” Peavy then held up an empty bucket, before adding, “Of course I dumped out the bucket before I came out here. I’m not a weirdo.”
- Mark Ellis hit a walk-off single and the Dodgers kept on rolling, edging past the New York Yankees, 3-2, and improving to 27-6 over their past 33 games. The hit extended Ellis’s hit streak to 11 games, a run he credits to “not having anything to do with hallucinogenic drugs, why is everyone asking me that? Of course I’m not tripping at the plate. That would have made this impossible I would imagine.” Ellis then furrowed his brow and asked, “Is this because of that honorary doctorate I got in June?”
- The Pirates have seized control of the NL Central, sweeping their way through a doubleheader with the Cardinals with 2-1 and 6-0 wins, improbably ending the day with the best record in baseball. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of this Pirates juggernaut dominating the airwaves. It’s like I can’t even turn on sports talk radio to hear about a real major league club like the Yankees or Cubs without Andrew McCutchen or Gerrit Cole’s name coming up. It’s gotten so bad, I can’t even get Tebow coverage on my TV without having to wade through a pile of features on Pedro Alvarez’s value and development. So, settle down Pirates. You’re good now, but could you please just step aside and let me hear about how much college football stars in Texas are drinking for a minute? Thanks.
- Though starter Zack Wheeler lost a no-hit bid in the seventh, his New York Mets managed to top the Miami Marlins, 4-2, in 10 innings. (God flips a platinum doubloon reserved exclusively for games between the Marlins and Mets. Heads is farce, tails is tragedy. He gazes down upon it.) However, Wheeler’s dominance and the Mets’ extra-inning rally were overshadowed by Marlins reliever Chad Qualls falling over in an erstwhile celebration of an inning-ending strikeout. Fortunately, no one was injured in Qualls’s tumble, and everyone had a good laugh.
- In a 10-inning AL West slugfest, Rangers center fielder Leonys Martin struck last, hitting a three-run walk-off blast as Texas topped the Los Angeles Angels, 14-11. The Angels’ struggles continue to overshadow the excellent play of Mike Trout, who reached base in all six of his plate appearances. “Look, the kid is doing all he can,” Angels manager Mike Scioscia said, “and it’s not like we can clone him. I mean, not right away. Yeah, when he sleeps, we shave some skin off of him, isolate his DNA using a centrifuge, then fabricate embryos that we incubate using artificial cow uteri, but it’s going to take a couple of years until we have a whole army of Mike Trouts that we can unleash on our opponents. Until then, some other guys are going to have to step up.”
- Alex Rodriguez, in an interview given in the face of a heavily rumored suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, said, “Above all, I want to be a role model.” Rodriguez went on to say, “Those are the people who model watches, yeah? Like really nice watches? That seems like it would be a fun thing to do. Oh wait, no. Hand model. That’s what I want to be. Above all, I want to be a hand model.”
- The Detroit Pistons continued turning over their roster, adding guard Brandon Jennings as part of a sign-and-trade with the Milwaukee Bucks. The move, paired with their earlier acquisition of Josh Smith, gives the Pistons an interesting mix of players. Meanwhile, the move, which also sent Brandon Knight to Milwaukee, leaves the Bucks with an interesting mix of players. The Pistons have acquired an eyebrow-raising array of talent, which may mean they make a move in the standings. Meanwhile, the Bucks have also acquired an eyebrow-raising array of talent, which may mean they make a move in the standings. I can’t wait to see this Pistons team line it up; who knows what will happen, but it could be special. Also, I can’t wait to see this Bucks team line it up; who knows what will happen, but it could be special.
- In a radio interview, Lakers head coach Mike D’Antoni voiced his puzzlement with Dwight Howard’s move to Houston, saying the move was “kind of mind-boggling a little bit, but that’s in his DNA and what he wants to do.” D’Antoni’s comments finally settled the ancient nature vs. nurture debate. Howard, as D’Antoni suggests, was born the sort of player who would leave the Los Angeles Lakers, and his upbringing and sociological conditioning were not the root cause of his ability to leave Los Angeles. Clearly nothing short of a deeply ingrained, genetically caused predisposition against the Lakers would lead a player to willingly leave Los Angeles to play basketball with another team. So we have our answer: Nature wins, there is no free will, and Mike D’Antoni’s presence has no influence on whether players want to come to Los Angeles.