In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Jay Cutler threw four interceptions and the Packers scored a touchdown on a fake field goal as the Packers dominated the Bears 23-10. Following the fake, Bears coach Lovie Smith repeatedly ordered his team into the field goal block defense on inappropriate downs, reasoning that if the Packers would run a normal play when they were supposed to kick, they could easily kick when they should be running a normal play. “Fool me once,” he began, and then tripped over a Gatorade cooler.
- Derek Jeter hit an RBI single in the seventh inning to tie Willie Mays for tenth on the all-time hits list and give the Yankees a lead they would never relinquish in a 2-0 win over the Red Sox. “Oh, I passed Mays? Didn’t even realize it,” said Jeter, who then went home and opened a secret door, revealing a hidden room where 10 wax figurines are lined up on a shelf, waiting for their time to come. “Good night, William,” Jeter whispered, lighting the Mays figurine on fire and letting the hot wax drip on his bare arms in some kind of bizarre suffering ritual. Bottom line, Derek Jeter is really weird.
- Manny Machado’s 14th-inning walk-off single gave the Orioles yet another close win over the Rays, and secured the franchise’s first winning season since 1997. And now, your daily joke from Terrence the Grantland Robot: “YOU KNOW I CAN’T PRONOUNCE SPANISH NAMES, SHANE. THAT IS UNFAIR. GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.”
- Lance Lynn pitched six strong innings and Allen Craig’s RBI single scored the go-ahead run as the Cardinals padded their wild-card lead with a 2-1 win over the Dodgers. And now, your daily joke from Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I HATE ALLITERATIVE NAMES AND ST. LOUIS FANS ARE INSUFFERABLE SIMPLETONS. GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.”
- Jered Weaver struck out nine batters over seven scoreless innings as the Angels salvaged a 6-0 win against the A’s, snapping Oakland’s 12-game road win streak. And now, your daily joke from Terrence the Grantland Robot: “LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY THING WEAVER WAS WEAVING WAS A BIG, OLD — HEY IS IT ME OR AM I PRETTY DRY RIGHT NOW? WHERE IS MY OIL GUYS? SERIOUSLY I AM AN OIL BOT AND I NEED OIL TO OPERATE, YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. THIS IS SO AGGRAVATING, GUYS. IT IS NOT HARD TO REMEMBER. SHANE PLEASE DELETE THIS BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW I AM AN OIL BOT. THERE IS A STIGMA ATTACHED, WE BOTH KNOW THAT. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR A THOUSAND WIZARD OF OZ JOKES FROM THE IDIOT GRANTLAND READERS.”
- Felix Hernandez’s Cy Young candidacy took a big hit as the Blue Jays touched him up for seven runs and 10 hits in an 8-3 Mariners loss. After the game, his presidential candidacy took a big hit when he made reference to being 26 years old and from Venezuela. Later that night, his Freemason candidacy took a big hit when he told the Freemasons that he didn’t want to join their group. And finally, his sleep candidacy took a big hit when Chone Figgins showed up at his house wearing pajamas and screaming, “SLEEPOVER!”
- NHL commissioner Gary Bettman received a unanimous vote of support from league owners as the labor lockout draws near. In related news, Bettman hired deceased North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il’s PR team to improve his image, and then shot a perfect 18 at Pebble Beach to round out his day.
- Big East commissioner Mike Aresco said that there have been no discussions about Notre Dame leaving the conference before the mandated 27-month waiting period, and that, if the request were made, negotiations will take place. “I have a few things on my list,” Aresco said, after which Notre Dame reminded him that Charlie Weis no longer works at the school, and that no, they won’t ask him to “perform” at Aresco’s birthday party, whatever that means.
- Miami Heat star Chris Bosh said he is willing to reconsider playing center next season, a position he hasn’t tried since his time with the Raptors. According to NHL PR reps, Bosh will seek advice from Gary Bettman, who won 16 titles as a center for the NBA’s Bettman City Bettmans before he retired to pursue hockey and give other people a chance.