In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- The Miami Heat routed the Pacers 115-85, taking a 3-2 series edge and battering the self-proclaimed Pacer tough guys along the way. “It’s always a tough moment when I remember that I’m a dork,” said Tyler Hansbrough. “A huge, goggle-eyed, floppy-limbed dork who should, by all rights, be working in a cage at the circus.”
- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell expects proof of the Saints’ bounty program to go public after hearings and appeals are held. “It’s bound to happen once I get on the Ellen DeGeneres Show,” he said. “I can’t keep a secret from that ole snake charmer. She’s an absolute delight. One of the last great conversationalists. I’m available, Ellen. Every weekday. Just give me a ring. I can make weekends work, too. Nights. Whatever. I think you’re beautiful.”
- Dustin Penner’s overtime goal sent the L.A. Kings to the Stanley Cup finals with a 4-3 win over the Coyotes. Penner dedicated the goal to his father Fred, who has been stuck inside the log he calls home for the better part of seven years after becoming hugely obese.
- The New York Knicks are on the verge of a multi-year deal with interim head coach Mike Woodson, a source told ESPN. “He’s done a really great job over the last few weeks telling me how fresh and funky my tunes sound,” said the source, who provided that link himself.
- Brandon Phillips launched two home runs to lead the Reds to a 4-3 win over the Braves. Phillips credited his newfound power to an adjusted batting stance, where he stands at second base instead of home.
- Ivan De Jesus hit a two-run double in the top of the ninth and Dee Gordon turned a slick game-ending double play in the bottom half as the Dodgers beat the Dbacks 9-8. The ending turned out to be great publicity for the release of their new line of furniture, the “Dee-Ivan,” which is like a divan except that it’s made entirely of old baseball gloves.
- Adam Wainwright threw his first shutout since 2010, striking out nine and allowing just four hits in a 4-0 Cardinals win over the Padres. It’s crazy when you think about it; the last time Wainwright pulled off the feat, a dozen eggs cost just two dollars, mailmen came once a day around noon to deliver letters and packages by hand, and pine trees still hadn’t been declared illegal. (Note: this entry was written by my friend, N725 “Future Boy” 6-Unit.)
- Metta World Peace told reporters that the Lakers were the better team in their series against the Thunder, but simply underachieved. “Or maybe we over-achieved at under-performing,” he said. At that, his eyes lit up. “Somebody lay down a beat!” he screamed. “Metta just got inspired!” He raced off the podium and grabbed a chunky sports writer by the lapels. “Lay down a f***ing beat!“
- National Basketball Player’s Association president Derek Fisher called for an investigation of executive director Billy Hunter, who used union funds and PR tactics such as “playing the race card” to help Charles Smith attempt to overthrow the Retired Players Association in favor of a new organization Smith started after being fired from the RPA and replaced by Danny Schayes. Complicating the situation is that Schayes and Hunter used to hook up, until Hunter took Fisher to the prom because his parents pressured him, breaking Schayes’ heart and driving him into the arms of Smith in a torrid night of poor decisions. Now Fisher and Schayes are strange allies, but Smith is a known seductor who might split them apart at any moment. Also, Hunter is secretly Fisher’s father, which, when you think about it, makes the prom date a little weird.