In case you were busy polishing the screenplay for your gritty new take on Entourage, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Jon Lester and Koji Uehara were too much for the Cardinals as the Boston Red Sox now stand one win away from their third World Series title in a decade after beating St. Louis 3-1. “Dus-tone,” Red Sox infielder Mike Napoli called across the locker room to his teammate Dustin Pedroia after the game. “This beard thing has really worked out, huh?” Pedroia smiled and said, “Yeah, yeah man, sure has. Can’t wait to win this ring and shave this bad boy off.” “What?” a stunned Napoli replied. “Shave it? Nah, man, you can’t. You’re the Mighty Mighty Dus-tone, and I am Mike Skapoli and together we’re beard bros forever.” Pedroia looked away from his teammate and said, “It’s my wife. She’s serious. No offseason beards.” Napoli nodded at his teammate, but his eyes betrayed his disappointment. “It’s for the best,” Pedroia assured him, but it took all of Napoli’s nerve to force an awkward smile.
- Despite being outgained 339-135 by the Rams, the NFC-leading Seattle Seahawks gutted their way to a 14-9 road win over St. Louis on Monday Night Football. “That was the worst Seahawks game I’ve ever seen,” said die-hard Seahawks fan and Mercer Island native Noah Ferron. “I mean, I’ve watched every game this team has played since the beginning of the Russell Wilson era and I have never had the rug pulled out from under me like that by this team.” Ferron then took off his flannel, revealing his “ironic throwback” Matt Flynn jersey underneath, and added, “But, being the Seahawks, they showed their trademark resolve that the franchise has always been known for, and gutted out a big road win in the division with a clutch fourth-quarter stop. Classic, classic Seahawks football. Can’t picture it going any other way.”
- The New York Rangers finally played their home opener in newly renovated Madison Square Garden, yet continued to struggle, falling 2-0 to the Montreal Canadiens. “Obviously not my fault on this one,” said Rangers coach Alain Vigneault. “Clear case of MSG syndrome, normal thing in New York. Nothing to be done.” When told that MSG syndrome had nothing to do with hockey or Madison Square Garden, and also that it had been debunked as the cause of illness related to Chinese food served in New York in the ’80s, Vigneault replied, “No, no, you must think in my native French. Mauvais sur la glace syndrome. My players, they are bad on the ice, that is their syndrome. Normal thing in New York. Nothing to be done.”
- Tiger Woods has ended his 15-year relationship with EA Sports, with the video game giant moving to make future golf games under a generic PGA Tour license. As part of the settlement, in exchange for EA maintaining silence on what caused the breakup, Woods ceded custody of his two children from The Sims 3, along with 110,000 Simoleons, and a Skimtron Outboard Speedboat that he had unlocked in The Sims 3: Island Paradise.
- Redskins safety Brandon Meriweather may be returning from suspension, but he did not shy away from controversy on Monday, saying in an interview with ESPN Radio, “You just have to go low now, man. You got to tear people’s ACLs and mess up people’s knees. You can’t hit them high anymore.” When asked if he thought officials would be looking to flag him after his comments, Meriweather replied, “Oh, I wasn’t talking about during a football game. I meant in life, dealing with lines at the grocery store, waiting for the bus, buying a sandwich at a Jimmy John’s, wherever hitting people is the norm.” Meriweather then laughed, shook his head, and said, “To be clear, in the games I’m still going straight for the head.”
- Mike Napoli approached Dustin Pedroia on the tarmac by the team’s plane. “Dus-tone,” he said urgently, while grabbing his teammate’s arm. “I’ve been thinking, who needs your wife? I don’t! We’ll start a band, you and me, Ska-poli and the Dus-tones, and we’ll tour the country, changing the way people think about the fusion of rock and reggae. Sure we may not get booked in the bigger venues, but our art will be solid, our tunes will be fresh, and our beards … our beards …” Napoli then lifted his hand toward Pedroia’s face, but Pedroia snatched it out of the air. “No!” Pedroia shot back. “I’m serious about shaving. First of all, these beards are disgusting. I found a three-week-old Cheez-It in David Ross’s during the seventh-inning stretch tonight. Then I showed it to him, and he ate it. Second of all, I have no idea why you are connecting beards with third-wave ska.” Napoli opened his mouth as if to explain, but was cut off by Pedroia, who said, “It doesn’t matter! I have no musical talent whatsoever, I don’t really know what qualifies as ska, and even if I did I wouldn’t spend the offseason touring. I have a family. Plus, we haven’t even written any songs or cut an album. How are we possibly ready to tour when … that isn’t the point. The point is, the beards are over. Win or lose, over. I’m not your brother. I’m just a man with a stupid-looking beard trying to hit a ball really hard with a wooden stick. That’s baseball. That’s the whole game. I’m not gonna change the world, Mike. I’m not going to change anything. I just want to win the baseball.” Napoli’s head dropped, his shoulders fell, and he told his teammate, “Well, bye forever, I guess,” awkwardly forgetting he would be sitting next to Pedroia on the team’s flight back to Boston.