Grantland logo

About Last Night: Nuggets Get Mamba’d

BryantIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Kobe Bryant scored 38 points and Andrew Bynum contributed 27 points and nine boards as the Lakers took a 2-0 lead on the Nuggets, winning 104-100. In downtown Los Angeles, things turned a bit ugly during the second quarter when suspended forward Metta World Peace was found in a city dumpster viciously elbowing a pile of old chicken nuggets. Eyewitnesses described the act as “almost definitely intentional.”
  • Paul Pierce came through with 36 points as the Celtics evened their first round series against the Hawks with an 87-80 win. The intensity was so high that the game had to be paused midway through the third quarter while trainers muzzled Kevin Garnett after his face became stuck in a permanent scream.
  • Playing without Derrick Rose, the Bulls dropped Game 2 at home to Jrue Holiday (26 points) and the 76ers, 109-92. Fun trivia — of the two non-abbreviated words with “jr” in them in the English language, one is hijra, a Hindi term denoting a physiological male with a feminine gender identity. Bring this up next time you talk to Jrue Holiday.
  • A source close to the NBA said that Knicks center Tyson Chandler won the Defensive Player of the Year Award. When asked about the achievement, Chandler proved his merits yet again by accusing reporters of trying to deceive him, threatening revenge if they were mocking him, and lashing out at his teammates for what he called a “dirty prank.”
  • Knicks forward Amare Stoudemire will miss Game 3 against the Miami Heat and is doubtful for Game 4 after punching a fire extinguisher and suffering lacerations to his hand. According to a source, “half of his hand was just hanging off. It was really bad.” When he heard the news, Glen “Big Baby” Davis scoffed. “He needs to toughen up,” Davis said. “I play every night with half my body hanging off.”
  • Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich was named the NBA’s coach of the year. The actual presentation of the award will be delayed, however, after it was mistakenly handed to a rumpled, miserable 64-year-old office worker at the Pennsylvania Department of Labor who can’t retire because of bad investments and spends his days seething at a glitchy fax machine.
  • Jets coach Rex Ryan said that Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez both look “outstanding” in workouts. When reporters asked why he was wearing a bib, Ryan laughed nervously and changed the subject to other kinds of food.
  • Adam Larsson’s goal triggered a third period explosion as the Devils beat the Flyers 4-1 and knotted their second-round series at one game apiece. “The extra ‘s’ is for savings!” Larsson told reporters after the game. When met with total silence, he confessed that he was desperate for any kind of endorsement deal and wanted to give advertisers a little taste of what he brought to the table.
  • Brian Matusz won his first game in 11 months and Buck Showalter earned his 1,000th victory as a manager in a 7-1 Orioles win over the Yankees. “Two huge milestones in one night! How about that?!” Matusz said in the locker room, speaking to exactly zero members of the media.
  • Playing in his home debut, Nationals outfielder and teenage phenom Bryce Harper went 0-3 in a 5-1 loss to the Diamondbacks. To be fair, though, Arizona infielders kept holding up placards of Justin Bieber’s face and making Harper swoon in the batter’s box.
  • Rays slugger Evan Longoria will miss 4-8 weeks with a partial hamstring tear, the team reported Tuesday. “Someone tore a ham?” Rex Ryan screamed after hearing part of the story on TV. His assistants tried to calm him down and explain, but Ryan was already curled up on the ground muttering the word “why?” over and over.
  • Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd, a former Red Sox pitcher, admitted to using crack cocaine throughout the 1986 season, and even had a packet tucked inside the crease of his hat during one start. The story bears an eerie similarity to an incident last season when Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett concussed himself pitched with a full can of beer attached to the underside of his hat with masking tape.