In case you were busy dusting off the old Maypole a few days early so you can really get your Maypole dancing where you want it in time for May Day, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Denver kept its playoff hopes alive with a chippy 107-100 win over the Golden State Warriors. Both Warriors coach Mark Jackson and guard Stephen Curry complained about the Nuggets’ physical play, and forward Kenneth Faried was singled out for a few illegal screens committed in the first quarter. “Is it illegal to commit an illegal screen?” Faried asked after the game. “Is jabbing a smaller man in the chest with your elbow, just to make him think all of a sudden, against the rules of basketball? Is it?” When told that it was, Faried responded, “Oh, it is? Really? Oh, man, I had no idea. I’ll clean that up in the next one. My bad, Steph.”
- If the Los Angeles Kings are going to defend their Stanley Cup crown, they’ll have to do better than their 2-1 opening-game defeat to the St. Louis Blues. Kings goalie and noted hockey satirist Jonathan Quick, whose careless giveaway led to the winning goal in overtime, said after the game, “I was caught in reverie, devising a modest proposal whereby the people of St. Louis might avoid the blues: They could eat their young. And then I thought maybe I could just let them score. And before the thought was even finished in my head, it had happened.”
- The Chicago Blackhawks backed up their league-best regular-season record, opening their playoff campaign with a 2-1 overtime win over the Minnesota Wild. “More like the Minnesota Tame,” exclaimed Blackhawks goal scorer Marian Hossa after the game, before captain Jonathan Toews told him sternly, “Not cool man, still a lot of hockey left to play.” A confused Hossa then explained, “I’m sorry, in Slovakia we often reverse the meaning of words for comedic effect. For example, we might say Slovenia is so bucolic, to reference humorously its lack of bucol. I did not know that was not done here. I will not provide any further material that may appear on the bulletin of boards.”
- The Grizzlies got the crucial road win they needed to take a 3-2 advantage back to Memphis, defeating the Los Angeles Clippers, 103-93, at Staples Center. When asked about the challenge that the Grizzlies’ big men posed, Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro said, “It’s a very difficult cover, the way Zach Randolph uses his body and angles; we try to bring pressure from the baseline, but the way that they run the high low with Marc Gasol makes it difficult. We can pressure Gasol, but then we leave Zach sealed one-on-one.” Del Negro then snapped out of his reverie and asked, “Wait, what did I just say? Was anyone writing that down? Please say someone was writing that down. I can’t afford to lose that!”
- Ryan Raburn had two home runs as the Cleveland Indians shelled Roy Halladay en route to a 14-2 interleague win. “I used to own this league,” Halladay said, head in hands, as he sat by his locker after the game. “The American League. I used to stride the halls of this league like a colossus. QB1. Big man on campus. ‘Halladay comin’ through!’ Now I come back here, no respect. I’m like a ghost here.”
- Juan Pierre scored the winning run as the Miami Marlins beat the New York Mets, 2-1, after a ninth-inning wild pitch. Juan Pierre scoring a game-winning run on a walk-off wild pitch rates a 9.3 on the Mets Scale, which goes from Derek Jeter (a 0.0 on the Mets Scale) to Keith Hernandez’s Mustache (the only perfect 10, just edging out Mr. Met, who clocks in at a 9.9).
- Vijay Singh avoided suspension for his admitted use of deer antler spray after WADA determined the use of the substance is not prohibited without a positive test result. This case once again shows how easy it is to spot who is using performance-enhancing drugs. I mean, we’ve all known for years that Singh had to be up to something. There was no way Vijay Singh’s body was just natural. The guy just fills out a sweater vest a little too well. While he avoided suspension this time, I’m personally glad that Singh’s all-too-obvious drug use is finally out in the open.
- Borussia Dortmund set the stage for an all-German Champions League final, holding on late to preserve a 4-3 aggregate win over Real Madrid. Former About Last Night overlord Shane Ryan told me that now would be a really good time to make a Fake Madrid joke. I was skeptical, but he was insistent. “Spike, this is the moment,” Shane told me. “Fake Madrid. Now or never.” So, um, man, Real Madrid looks like they’re going to go another year without even making the finals of the Champions League. More like Fake Madrid, am I right? Huh? Shane? Shane, where did you go … I’m all alone here, aren’t I? Oh, this is not good. This is not good at all.