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About Last Night: Now the Heat Are Just Screwing With Us

LeBron James

In case you were too busy lamenting the fate of your already busted NIT bracket, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • LeBron James had a triple double as the Miami Heat extended their winning streak to 24 games, overcoming a 27-point deficit to beat the Cleveland Cavaliers, 98-95. “We are legends,” James said after the game, in which the reigning NBA champions beat a Cleveland team missing its two best players by three points. “This is a game for the history books, a true shining moment for Heat basketball,” he said about a game in which he was dunked on repeatedly by Alonzo Gee. James concluded his postgame remarks by suggesting that a game in which the third-worst team in the Eastern Conference outscored his team by 21 points in the first half would cement his legacy as one of the greatest basketball players of all time.
  • Future Hall of Fame safety Ed Reed has left the Baltimore Ravens after 11 seasons, signing a three-year deal with the Houston Texans. Although Reed has yet to comment publicly on the move, confirmation has come from former teammate Ray Lewis, who was seen doing a flamboyant bird-like dance toward the east, before turning and performing a trio of bull-like dance moves toward the south.
  • The Chicago Bears have parted ways with star linebacker Brian Urlacher after the team failed to come to contractual terms with the former NFL defensive player of the year. While Urlacher has publicly stated that he’s prepared to join another team, he’s privately known to have spent much of the past 24 hours listening to Semisonic’s “Closing Time” while looking wistfully at old pictures of former Bears quarterback Rex Grossman. Urlacher was later spotted alone in a bar mouthing “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” to himself, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
  • James Madison defeated the LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds, 68-55, in the preliminary round of the NCAA tournament. Unfortunately, history, as it always does, found a way of repeating itself, as James Madison moves on to face the red jerseys of Indiana, who’ve already made clear that, win or lose, they intend to burn down the White House. “But I picked Indiana to win it all,” complained President Barack Obama, as the first lady began packing their most valuable artwork into an old Dodge Caravan.
  • Thanks to Marc Gasol’s game-winning tip-in with 0.8 seconds left, the Memphis Grizzlies beat the Oklahoma City Thunder in overtime, 90-89. Watching at home on TV, L.A. Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak shouted “Tradebacks!” as Gasol’s shot fell in. When told by assistant GM Glenn Carraro that “tradebacks” aren’t a real thing, Kupchak protested, “But me want best center. Lakers get best center, yes? Lakers get best center always. Me want, me want, me want!”
  • Veteran winger Teemu Selanne scored the winning goal as the Anaheim Ducks came from behind to beat the Chicago Blackhawks, 4-2, in a battle of Western Conference powers. “I don’t feel a day over 55,” joked the 612-year-old Selanne, before asking teammate Corey Perry if he could “just borrow some blood for a while, you know, because that’s a cool thing that friends do for other friends.”
  • The San Jose Sharks staged a third-period rally before downing the Edmonton Oilers in a shootout, 4-3. Sharks center Logan Couture, who had two goals in regulation before scoring again in the shootout, dedicated his effort to “all the real sharks out there who keep losing their teeth. We don’t talk about this problem enough, but it sucks. I feel your pain, great whites and tigers. You, too, nurses and whales. Stay hungry, my brothers.”
  • Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Clint Dempsey was named the U.S. Men’s National Team captain for its upcoming World Cup qualifiers against Costa Rica and Mexico. In unrelated news, Dempsey’s erstwhile teammate Landon Donovan was named captain of his bowling league team, “The U.S. Men’s Trashed-onal Team,” where he’s known as “Lane One” Donovan.
  • The New York Yankees got more bad news on the injury front, as the team is reportedly unsure whether All-Star shortstop Derek Jeter will be ready for Opening Day. The Yankees’ current Opening Day lineup projects as follows:

    Robinson Cano 2B
    Some Red Sox Guy 3B
    Bernie Williams CF
    Uh, can we also put Bernie Williams in left? LF
    If we’re cloning Bernie Williams once, we might as well put another Bernie Williams in right RF
    A prospect who’s overrated because he plays for the Yankees SS
    Yogi Berrnie Williams C
    A copy of a copy of Bernie Williams DH
    Dan Johnson 1B