In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick threw for 243 yards and two touchdowns as the 49ers trounced the Bears 32-7. “Not bad for an intellectual,” sneered Randy Moss, just before snapping Kaepernick with a towel. Kaepernick seethed with pain and anger, but he knew from experience that it was useless to explain the difference between himself and the 16th-century Polish astronomer Copernicus.
- 49er coach Jim Harbaugh told reporters that he will start the “hot hand” at quarterback for the rest of the season, even when Alex Smith is fully healthy. “Now how is that fair?” Randy Moss complained. “This one dude invented the sun. Of course he’s going to have the hot hand!” He then snapped Kaepernick with a towel.
- Sources report that Rutgers officials will announce their decision to leave the Big East and become the 14th member of the Big Ten sometime today. “This year, our conference was looking to become more violent and depressing,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. “And we got Maryland and Rutgers. Job. Done.“
- Ravens safety Ed Reed was suspended one game for repeated shots to the head on defenseless players. Meanwhile, Bon Jovi is allowed to perform in major venues all across America despite repeated shots to the heart.
- After a decision by the BCS that put conferences like the Mountain West on equal footing with the Big East, sources say schools like San Diego State, BYU, and Boise State are angling to return to the Mountain West. “You shouldn’t take them back,” said the Mountain West’s friend, the WAC. “They don’t appreciate you, they treat you like garbage, and they’ll just break your heart. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I hate to see you get hurt.” The Mountain West sniffed into a tissue. “But I really think they’ve changed!” it said. “And the sex is just so much better San Jose State is nice and funny and really kind, but there’s just no fire.” The WAC sighed. “I’m here for you no matter what, but just know that I think this is a mistake.”
- Shabazz Muhammad finished with 15 points on 5-10 shooting in his UCLA debut, but the unranked Georgetown Hoyas upset the no. 11 Bruins 78-70. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “WHAT’S UP GUY, LONG TIME NO SPEAK. JUST BEEN GETTING USED TO THIS WHOLE FATHERHOOD JAM. ‘JAM’ IS ONE OF THE WORDS CODY USES WITH ALL HIS LITTLE FRIENDS. ANYWAY, I’VE BEEN BUSY TRYING TO GET HIM INTO A GOOD SCHOOL FOR THE LAST WEEK AND I FINALLY GOT HIM ACCEPTED. HAD TO GREASE SOME PALMS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. LOTS OF OIL CHANGED HANDS. BUT IT’S GOOD BECAUSE NOW HE CAN GO TO SCHOOL WITH OTHER OIL ROBOTS. OUR NEIGHBORHOOD SCHOOL IS 92 PERCENT WIND-POWERED ROBOTS, AND I KNOW HE’D FEEL OUT OF PLACE. I ALSO JOINED THE PTA AND MET WITH ALL OF CODY’S NEW TEACHERS. THEY ALL SEEM REALLY NICE. WILL UPDATE YOU GUYS TOMORROW.”
- Tournament MVP Kendall Williams scored 15 points as New Mexico won the Paradise Jam with a 66-60 win over no. 21 UConn. “It really is like paradise!” said the awestruck fans as they watched New Mexico and Connecticut play in a dark, empty gym on the Virgin Islands.
- After a tough start that saw them trailing Georgia at halftime, no. 1 Indiana turned on the jets in the second half, using Victor Oladipo’s 15 points and eight boards to beat Georgia 66-53. Former North Carolina Tar Heel Tyler Zeller was on hand to watch his brother Cody play for the Hoosiers, and the two of them delighted the crowd at halftime with their famous “timid ostrich” dance.
- David Beckham announced that he will be leaving the L.A. Galaxy after the team’s MLS Cup final with the Houston Dynamo on December 1. “I’ll be heading to Alaska to seek my fortune on the gold coast!” he said in a statement. When Beckham read his own statement, he looked puzzled. “I never said this. Who would write something like th— ugh, Benny!” The whole team then turned to the corner, where Benny the Prankster Statement Writer smiled sheepishly. “Oops!” he said. “Oh Benny,” said Beckham, “you are a real asshole.” Then they all laughed together for a really long time. And then Benny was fired, because really, enough is enough with that kind of thing.