In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Randy Foye hit five 3-pointers to lead the Jazz to a 95-86 win over the Lakers, who are now 1-4 on the year. After the loss, Dwight Howard embraced head coach Mike Brown in the locker room and gave him some words of encouragement. “I appreciate that, Dwight,” said a clearly moved Brown, who then walked to the media room with a bull’s-eye taped to his back.
- The Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced finalists for the MVP award for the first time in its history, and the AL finalists include Miguel Cabrera, Mike Trout, Robinson Cano, Adrian Beltre, and Josh Hamilton. The NL candidates are Ryan Braun, Buster Posey, Andrew McCutchen, Yadier Molina, and Chase Headley. “Oh man,” said A-Rod. “I hope Robbie doesn’t see this list, because he’ll get his hopes all up and then be sad when he finds out they meant me, not him. Bad mistake, baseball. You just broke a kid’s heart today.”
- NHL owners met with the players’ union Wednesday for more than five hours of negotiations on topics like revenue sharing and honoring existing player contracts. “Look, we’re willing to not not not share revenues with you,” said commissioner Gary Bettman, attempting to confuse the other side with the bold “triple negative” negotiating tactic. “We don’t not anti-agree,” a player’s lawyer replied, and the two sides stared at each other suspiciously for several minutes before talks resumed.
- Bobby Petrino’s father told a Louisville newspaper that his son is interested in becoming Kentucky’s head football coach. The elder Petrino went on to say that his son trusted him to interview graduate assistants, and that they should probably get the process under way just in case anything came of it.
- LeBron James finished with 20 points, 12 boards, and eight assists as the Heat crushed the Brooklyn Nets 103-73. “These jeans are so fucking hard to move around in,” said Brooklyn center Brook Lopez, railing against the team’s regionally inspired uniforms. “I seriously have no idea how I’m going to get them off. And these stupid Fidel camo hats have got to go.”
- Rajon Rondo scored 18 points and dished out 14 assists as the Celtics pulled out a 100-94 overtime win against the Wizards. “Yo, who’s your favorite wizard?” Rondo asked Paul Pierce after the game. “Gandalf or Merlin?” When Pierce hesitated, Rondo leaned in close, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and whispered, “it’s Gandalf, baby. Gandalf.” Rondo then moved back to the middle of the room and started shouting, “YO WHAT’S UP WITH PIERCE HE KEEPS ASKING ME NERD QUESTIONS ABOUT REAL WIZARDS! YOU’RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE, PAUL!!”
- Bulls center Joakim Noah says he feels bad about shooting an unnecessary 3-pointer at the end of Tuesday’s 99-93 win over the Magic just so he could put the Bulls over 100 points and win free Big Macs for the fans. “I just didn’t want them to have to eat that awful deep-dish Chicago pizza,” said Noah. “I mean, what is that? Like, disgusting lasagna dough, or something? Do they just get a tube of dough, put ketchup on it, and throw it in the microwave with some Kraft singles for too long? I feel for these people, man. That ain’t pizza, bro.“
- An 83rd-minute goal gave Glasgow Celtic a stunning 2-1 win over Barcelona in Champions League action. Some experts attribute the result to the psychological trauma of trying to say the words “Glasgow Celtic” with a Castilian lisp.
- High school quarterback Jalan McClendon was ejected from his team’s first-round playoff game for imitating Cam Newton’s “Superman celebration.” In a strange coincidence, another student at McClendon’s school was suspended earlier in the year for sneaking in after hours and imitating Cam Newton’s “Laptop celebration” in the computer lab.