In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- The Lakers came back from an 18-point third quarter deficit to top the Bobcats, 101-100, and avoid what would have been the most embarrassing moment of their already difficult season. It was a Pyrrhic victory for some Lakers, including Pau Gasol, who suffered his latest humiliation when Kobe Bryant shoved him into the scorer’s table to create a distraction just before hitting the winning bucket. “Make sure you whimper,” Kobe hissed. “Really Gasol it up.”
- LeBron James scored 22 points, grabbed seven boards, and dished out 11 assists as the Heat topped the Timberwolves, 103-92. According to local folklore, this means that Miami’s timber is now safe from wolves for another year.
- Joakim Noah netted a triple-double (11 points, 13 boards, 10 assists) to lead the Bulls to a 100-89 win over the Celtics. “Yeah, well, your old man won a FRENCH OPEN,” shouted Yannick Noah, who had somehow slipped past locker room security with another clever disguise. “TOP THAT!”
- After an embarrassing loss to the Titans, Jets coach Rex Ryan announced that quarterback Mark Sanchez will be benched next week, and Greg McElroy — not Tim Tebow — will take his place. Ryan said he became disconcerted when he overheard Tebow and Sanchez discussing the concept of using a football’s laces to throw a more effective pass. “Sanchez said it was ‘physically impossible,’ which was bad enough,” said Ryan, “but then Tebow called it ‘witchery.'”
- Sources report that Utah State’s Gary Andersen will become the next head football coach at Wisconsin. As part of his new contract, Andersen will inherit Bret Bielema’s drool cup.
- Steelers coach Mike Tomlin told reporters that Ben Roethlisberger is “on board” with the team’s offensive plan despite criticizing several play calls after Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. When reached for comment, Roethlisberger said that he still thought punting was a “total sissy move” and that running the ball was “mega-lame, bro-bros. Mega, mega, mega lame. But enough on that. Who’s keg-standing with me? Who’s K-Standing with Big Ben?!”
- Deshaun Thomas finished with 21 points and nine boards as no. 7 Ohio State survived a home scare and beat Winthrop, 65-55. Despite the loss, Winthrop made history by becoming the first NCAA team to start five players with the last name McGillicuddy.
- Alabama athletic director Mal Moore said he was confident that Nick Saban will not bolt for an NFL job. “He’s put so much work into his ‘hell dungeon’ here, I just can’t see him abandoning it and starting over,” said Moore.
- A study conducted by USA Today found that Les Miles is the most popular Twitter user among college football coaches, with more than 87,000 followers. Upon discovering that simple counting was now considered a “study,” several universities across America offered an honorary Ph.D to this guy.